The Disney Sorting Hat: Princess Edition
I’m a millennial. I love Disney. I love Harry Potter. Therefore I have no choice but to sort all the Disney characters into their appropriate Hogwarts Houses. It’s compulsory behavior in order to maintain my Nerd Card.
Note: I’m gonna be doing a series of these, and we’re starting with the princesses. I’m going with only the characters who are heavily implied to be of some sort of royal stature by the end of their movie. Non royal heroines will be another category for another day.
Just a reminder of the basic canon traits of each house:
Or my favorite break down…
Gryffindor: Do what is right
Ravenclaw: Do what is wise
Hufflepuff: Do what is kind
Slytherin: PUT A FUCKING BASILISK IN THE CASTLE
— Hogwarts Logic (@HogwartsLogic) August 1, 2014
If you wanna be more diplomatic, you could also say: Slytherin – Do what is necessary.
Snow White – Gryffindor
I know the internet likes to put Snow in Hufflepuff, but she’s one gusty broad. After being told, at the age of 14, that the Queen of her kingdom/stepmother wants to cut her heart out, and being deserted in the woods by the shady dude that was hired to do it, she has a minor freak out, and then picks herself up and chastises herself for being so afraid. She then proceeds to break into a complete stranger’s house and clean it in hopes that they’ll let her stay. Which is one of the dumbest things a pubescent girl can do. It’s brash, it’s stupid, it’s ballsy, it’s Gryffindor.
Cinderella – Hufflepuff
I know, I’m not her biggest fan, but my issue with Tindrella is more how the movie uses her character than the character herself. But putting that aside, Cindy is a hard worker who cares deeply about justice and kindness, particularly among her furry brethren, and is loyal to a fault. She’s a total puff.
Aurora from Sleeping Beauty– Ravenclaw
Alright, this betch was annoyingly hard to sort because she’s barely in her own damn movie. Seriously, she’s born, she dances with a prince, she cries, pricks her finger, takes a nap, and then dances with the prince again. So Aurora is less likely to be a student at Hogwarts as she is a portrait hanging in one of the hallways — a pretty thing to look at, but not really a fully fleshed person. But going on those fragments of personality we do get, she’s curious and a little quirky — dancing around with her mandatory woodland creatures and telling them all about the hunky boy from her latest sex dream — and she basically spends the entire movie in her own personal mind palace. So we’ll put her with the other kooks in Ravenclaw.
Ariel from The Little Mermaid– Slytherin
It’s hard to get more ambitious than trying to transcend your own species. Hell, your own animal class. Girl went from fish to mammal in three days, and somehow still managed to stay royal! Plus, she was pretty selfish and morally suspect, abandoning her entire family without so much as a “see ya later alligator” to essentially make a pact with the devil. Yeah, she’s brave and a little reckless, but more than that, this fish-chick will do what is necessary to get what she wants (and I love her for it). Ariel doesn’t care what crustacean friends lose jobs or even limbs in order to achieve her ends. She may have asked Ursula to turn her into a baby carrying mammal, but she may as well have asked for reptile scales, because she a straight Slytherin snake.
Belle from Beauty and the Beast – Ravenclaw
I mean, is this one even worth explaining? “Nose stuck in a book.” She’s a Ravenclaw. Next!
Jasmine from Aladdin – Gryffindor
Only a Gryffindor would be so stupid as to wander outside of the palace by herself for the very first time in her life, with the plan of never returning, with absolutely no preparation, research, friends, or even money, and all because she was bored. She’s also very concerned with justice (in particular, small children’s right to steal apples), and refuses to back down in the face of All Powerful Sorcerer Jafar, even when she has absolutely no resources with which to resist him. She could pull the Sword of Gryffindor out of a genie lamp any day.
Pocahontas – Gryffindor
Although her respect for all living creatures could put her into badger territory, Pocahontas’s “I want” song is all about choosing the more adventurous and unexpected path. Hell, our introduction to her character shows her taking what should realistically be a fatal dive off of a thousand and a half foot cliff when she could simply walk down a hill. Not to mention the whole throwing-her-body-over-a-guy-her-dad-is-about-to-bludgeon-to-death thing. Then, instead of riding off into the sunset with her imperial boy toy, she stays to work out the problems between the settlers and her people because it’s the right thing to do (at least, in the movie universe, which adamantly ignores historical reality). Poco is the prime example of what you’d want a Gryffindor to be.
Tiana – Slytherin
If Pocohantas is the ideal of what a Gryffindor should be, then Tiana is the ideal of what a Slytherin could be. For all the Slytherins out there feeling like you get a bad rap, this is a gift from me to you. This girl has ambition coming out her gonads — working day and night to open a restaurant in the 1920’s with, as the movie’s antagonists indelicately put it, “her background” all on her own. She sometimes forgets the people and relationships in her life in order to achieve her goals, and she can be a bit judgey, albeit of people somewhat deserving of said judgment. She’ll sacrifice her values to get what she wants — even if that value was “I will never, ever kiss a frog” — but up to a reasonable point. Throughout the movie she learns to loosen up and appreciate the relationships in her life a bit more, but her core remains the same. Tiana proves that being a Slytherin doesn’t automatically mean you’re an asshole. Sometimes it just means you’re a badass.
Rapunzel – Hufflepuff
Again, I’ve never been Rapunzel’s biggest fan. But even I cannot deny that the girl is hardworking. She lives alone with no one to judge her cleanliness, and yet she still wakes up at 7am in order to sweep, polish, wax, and mop her penthouse suite, and then follow it up with a load of laundry. True, she wears the same dress every day so that probably doesn’t take very long, but it’s still impressive considering she achieves all this in 15 minutes (according to the song “When Will My Life Begin?”). So she’s quite the little worker bee. She also obeys her mother’s wishes to stay in the tower for 18 years, despite it seeming logistically quite simple for her to escape. And when she does leave, she’s racked with guilt. In the end of the movie, when she’s learned to be a bit braver, she decides to give it all up in order to help her bodacious beau, so this one is pretty textbook. She’s a Huffer.
Merida – Gryffindor
Well, her movie is literally called Brave…although I’m still not sure why…so, it’s kind of a gimme. She’s adventurous, occasionally thoughtless and reckless, particularly with all the turning-Mom-into-a-bear stuff, but in the end, she’s also fiercely loyal to her family. That amazing animated array of red hair is definitely a lion mane.
Anna – Hufflepuff
This one was almost a hatstall, because Anna has the makings of a Gryffindor. She is definitely brave, loyal, and rash. I mean, she rode off into an ice storm to face down a dangerous ice queen without any snow gear or knowledge of the world outside her palace. But she did it because of her devotion and love towards her sister, and that kindness and fealty is definitely Anna’s primary personality trait. She never left the palace, despite years of neglect, assumedly out of loyalty to her kingdom and her family. She never blows up at Elsa, despite not knowing the reason Elsa has blatantly ignored her for most of her life, and she consistently tries to reconnect with Elsa without regard for how it would affect Anna’s own safety or well-being. She spends most of the movie desperate for love, and it’s what gets her into trouble. Besides, her persistence in trying to get that damn snowman built definitely labels her “unafraid of toil.” Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to listen to Do You Wanna Build a Snowman on repeat while I cry and eat chocolate in the corner.
Oh, and if anyone is complaining because I left out Elsa….
We’ll get to the Queens another day.
Do you agree with my sortings? Battle it out in the comments!