Welcome, foolish mortals, to this special Halloween post.
Last year we sat around the fire to tell tales of the scariest parts of the Disney parks, and this year I thought we’d turn our attention to some of the most chilling haunts of the Walt Disney Animated Studios.
If you read my blog – which of course you do, you’re literally reading it right now – but if you follow my blog, you know of my unadulterated, psychologically questionable adoration for Disney villains. As such, a lot of the typical villains didn’t scare me as much they should have. I dream of one day going to a Tavern like the one in Shrek 2.
The following characters, however, go beyond deviously devilish. They are literally the stuff my nightmares are made out of.
5. Si and Am from Lady and the Tramp
These are two shady little mother effers.
Also racist as all get out, but that’s another post for another time.
Their penetrating blue eyes shine with the demonic delight that comes from nine lives of malice and destruction. They’re so casual and methodical about their evil doings. It stresses me out.
Plus, they work in complete tandem! Without any communication! These freaks are organized. Like the raptors from Jurassic Park.
Where’s a T-Rex when you need her?
4. The Coachman from Pinocchio
Well. Time to turn myself in to Reverend Hale because I’m pretty sure I just saw the devil.
It’s just so random and unexpected. That demon face comes out of nowhere! At first glance he’s your basic fat, corrupt entrepreneur. Just sitting there all calm and patient while a talking fox smokes a cigar, completely adverse to the idea of killing people, total supporter of keeping Pleasure Island firmly planted in Downtown Disney where it belongs….and then he spontaneously pulls out his Buffy vampire face and…
I’m with ya there, Anthropomorphic Fox and the Hound.
3. Headless Horseman from The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr Toad
Disney likes to traumatize people. You know this, I know this. Starting from Dumbo and Bambi, and continuing all the way to Up!, Disney seems set on bestowing upon its loyal viewers deep, penetrating emotional scars. With its take on the Sleepy Hollow tale, they decided to switch tactics. Tears of loss and despair? Nah. Let’s make them shit their pants instead.
I actually dressed as The Headless Horseman two years in a row for Halloween. Because, like Batman, I become that which I most fear.
2. Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit
He’s still animated! It counts! Do not dare question my lists!!
This pseudo-animated style is actually what makes him so thoroughly petrifying.
No, I mean this is literally petrifying. Like, I need mandrake potion after I watch this movie to revive myself.
Everything about him is just off. He seems your average shady, dark cloaked villain, until he reveals his red animated knife eyes and his inexplicably high pitched dog whistle of a voice…
It’s too much for your brain to grapple with. Like seeing a snake or a spider, you just know that something is very wrong here and I do not understand it but all I know is that I need to get far, far away from here!
And the most ghoulish of them all?
1. Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalmatians
This is the only villain I genuinely despise.
There is nothing more disgustingly demented, more drastically demonic, or more devastatingly disturbed than a woman who wants to steal your puppies and skin them for their fur.
I mean…who even came up with that idea?
What kind of sicko was looking at their adorable puppy one day…
…and decided, “I’m going to make a movie about someone desperately trying to kill you.”
Nothing scares me more and makes me cling to my adorable puppies faster.
Aren’t they the cutest!?
Until next time, my grinning ghouls. Hurry ba-ack.