Television

BREAKING! ABC’s Blackish Season Premiere Reveals Newest Disney World Technology: Transporting Portals

Disney, who recently invested a billion dollars in their new Magic Band technology, has just announced their newest technological project: Magic Portals.

That’s right, Magic Portals. As in gateways that take you from one park to another, in the blink of an eye, simply by walking through them. We saw the precursor to this technology at Enchanted Tales with Belle, where the Beast’s magic mirror takes guests from Belle’s Cottage to the Beast’s castle. It was previously assumed these rooms were connected, but now we know this was a discreet test run of an undisclosed, patented scientific breakthrough (possibly with the aid of fairy dust, maybe even some mid-chlorines), that allows Imagineers to teleport guests in between parks that are miles apart in only a matter of seconds.

The technology is subtly and brilliantly revealed in the season premiere of Blackish, the ABC sitcom created by Kenya Barris, which took place in Disney World, because, you know, corporate synergy.

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How To Fix The Muppets TV Show

By now we’ve well established that I am a huge fan of The Muppets.

So the fact that I had to force myself through most of the episodes of the new Muppet Show with a considerable amount of boredom mixed with the occasional dash of agonizing pain? Well, that’s quite a feat. It seems that my initial trepidations over the direction of the show were more correct than my 180 degree turn into total faith after their concept pitch at Comic Con.

I hate it when I’m right and then wrong and then right again.

But I am holding out hope. Why? Because they’ve chucked out Bob Kushell as showrunner and brought in Kristen Newman. Who seems to understand that we do indeed want our grandmother’s muppets.

But, I have been burnt by Muppety promises before. Read More…

I Watched Disney Channel’s Descendants So You Don’t Have to: Part 4

We now present the fourth and final installment of the epic re-telling of Disney’s Descendants.

I’m totally kidding. They’re of course making a sequel out of this mess.

And an animated cartoon.

I shit you not.

Looks like my career of making fun of this franchise will be long lived. Thank goodness it pays so well.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, catch up with Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3!

Quick Note: Apologies for the egregiously long gaps between Part 3 and Part 4. The regular health shenanigans held me up. I really appreciate all the positive feedback I’ve gotten on these posts! You’re all wonderful cinnamon rolls and I cherish you all.

On to the finale!

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I Watched Disney Channel’s Descendants So You Don’t Have to: Part 3

Things are about to get R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S!


Catch up with Part 1 and Part 2!

You know, thinking about it, the lyric “I’d trade my kingdom for just one kiss” is kinda terrifying considering it’s coming from a boy who is actually about to have an entire kingdom to trade. I don’t know why everyone is dancing along with this. Imagine if Barack Obama, right before his inauguration, spontaneously sang a song dedicated to Putin’s daughter with the lyric “I’d sell the nuclear codes for just one night with you, girl.”

I’m just saying, as a tax-payer, my dancing would be slightly less enthusiastic.

But no use looking in the past, onwards to Act Three!  Read More…

I Watched Disney Channel’s The Descendants So You Don’t Have To: Part 1

Welcome to Disney Channel’s The Descendants, the show where everything is poorly written fanfiction and the story doesn’t matter. That’s right, the story is like Disney’s 17 straight-to-DVD Tinker Bell movies. They don’t really matter and no one pays attention to them anyway.

Onto the movie! For those who don’t know, The Descendants is a movie Disney Channel has been advertising for a while as a story where all the children of iconic Disney villains go to school with the children of Disney heroes.

Sounds ridiculous? Oh, just you wait Henry Higgins.  Read More…

Message to ABC: We Want Our Grandmothers’ Muppets

Guys. The Muppets are getting their own TV show!! Praise Henson!

But here’s the description the ABC executive gave for the TV show.

“The Muppets return to prime time with a contemporary, documentary-style show that—for the first time ever—will explore the Muppets’ personal lives and relationships, both at home and at work, as well as romances, break-ups, achievements, disappointments, wants and desires; a more adult Muppet show, for kids of all ages.”

ABC chief Paul Lee also added this nugget of a quote. This new TV show is “not your grandmother’s Muppets.”

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