Well, since I’ve gotten in the habit of pointing out flaws in practically perfect things, why stop now?
Today we’re talkin’ Mary Poppins.
Sorry, MPopp, but you did a few things that were kinda sketch.
1. Took your charges on an amazing Wonderland Vacation through Cartoon Carnival Narnia and then denied it ever happened.
Mary Poppins, along with Bert, took Jane and Michael into a drawing.
They then rode a magical carousel into a cartoon fox hunt, which turned into a horse race, which, of course, the Popp won, and concluded when she sang everybody’s favorite nonsense song.
Sorry. My hand slipped.
Anyway, it was, like, the best day ever. But afterwards, just like a bad romance, Mary Poppins turned cold and denied any of it ever happened.
That’s gotta be seriously psychologically damaging. These kids literally witness the impossible, and are then told very sternly and rudely that none of it was real, they’re impertinent and crazy, and that she’s gonna call the coppers on them. Now shuddup and go to sleep or I’ll have to drug you again.
They will be unless you pull a qualified therapist out of that carpet bag of yours, Mary. Because those kids are gonna need it.
2. Not to mention, she totally abandoned these kids while on said adventure of a lifetime.
Yeah, they’re there for like two seconds before Mary Poppins is like “Peace, I got a date yo.”
Well, actually, Bert was like “Hey, there’s a fair waaaaaaay down that road. All the way off screen. C’mon kids, I’m trying to score with your babysitter here, scat!”
These are young kids with a history of serious flight risk, and you just leave them completely unsupervised to go dance with penguins? I mean, okay, the penguin part is pretty awesome, but you’re on the clock here, Popps!
3. While on this animated dream date, which will certainly be referred to in the future under “Reasons for Employment Termination,” she weirdly thanked Bert for not being a rapist.
At least, that’s my reading of it. But you can read here for that explanation.
4. Taught the Kids that Cleaning is Fun! …if you have magical powers.
You’re telling me after you leave, I’ll have to bend over and just pick all these things up one by one!? That’s horrible! Who am I, Filch the Squib at Hogwarts?
5. Casually Left a Tea Table Dangling Mid Air
Mary Poppins takes Jane and Michael to rescue poor Uncle Albert from his drunken laugh bender that has left him stranded up on the ceiling. Obliging his request, MPopps makes his table fly so they can have a lovely tea party while dangling mid air.
Which is the second coolest thing to having lunch with penguins.
But then she leaves with the children and doesn’t bother to put the table back. It’s been clearly established that Poppers of the Penguins here is the only one who can make things fly. So how’s that table supposed to get down?
Ignoring for a second the clear violation of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy in place here, I’m sure that Uncle Albert has need of that table! Plus, once he comes down from his high, how’s he supposed to clean up? That stuff will start to mold and leave an awful stench. So any time Uncle Albert wants to use his table or clean up, he’ll have to engage in his addictive behavior again. Hardly good for his recovery, Mary. Way to help out.
Besides, weren’t you the one just singing a song encouraging your wards to clean up after themselves?
Way to set an example, Popps.
But we forgive all of this, because, after all, it’s still Mary Freakin Poppins. And we all know what they say about the one and only Mary Poppins:
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
