• Tweet
• SumoMe

• Tweet

No. No, Leah. I could handle Fantasia. I eventually recovered from Bambi. But now you want to tell me there’s a dirty side to England’s favorite flying nanny?

Sorry, kids. This one’s gonna hurt.

[Big Bro’s note: Dear God I hope kids don’t read this blog.]

Remember the song Jolly Holiday? You know, the fun little number with the cartoon farm animals and dancing waiter penguins?

It’s a super adorable date between Mary Poppins and Bert where he spends the majority of the time showering Mary in compliments.

And I’m not one to trash talk the great Poppins, but this biddy had one verse to return the favor. Sing about how awesome this guy is who took her on this mega cool colored-chalk date, and these are the words she chooses:

“It’s a jolly holiday with you, Bert. Gentleman like you are few…You’d never think of pressing your advantage. Forbearance is the hallmark of your creed. A lady needn’t fear when you are near. Your sweet gentility is crystal clear.”

“Pressing advantage” and a lady who “needn’t fear?” Those words are oddly aggressive and almost predatory sounding. Is it just me…or does it sound like Mary Poppins is saying “You know why you rock, Bert? Because I’m pretty sure you won’t rape me. I mean, I don’t have to worry about my virtue at all when you’re around! That’s really classy, dude.”

Little dark there, Popps. You been watching too much Game of Thrones or something? What kind of creeps have you been hanging around? Didn’t realize sexual harassment was so rampant in the magical nanny workplace. What, did you work for Letterman, too?

Besides, Bert deserves a better compliment than that! Hell, he basically did half your work for you. Think about it. He’s the one who came up with the fun diversions for the kids half the time. He’s the one who gave some serious #realtalk to the kids and their father. You mostly did a little cleaning, tricked the Dad into taking the kids on a field trip, and talked to yourself in the mirror.

I’m just saying, if there are performance reviews of vaguely mystical, omnipotent guardian angels, then my guess is that you didn’t quite earn your wings on this particular mission, Mary.

My profuse apologies. Anyway, the point is, think of a better compliment for the bloke. One that’s a little more suitable for children. You know, like…

I mean, the man deserves it more than some stupid horse race.

I take that back. Winning a horse race on a magic carousel would be awesome.

But it’s still a seriously heavy message to try and slip by a family audience. What on earth was your reasoning behind vaguely singing about rape culture to an animated backdrop? I really want to know!

Ah, well. Another Dirty Disney mystery unsolved. Stay tuned because, trust me, there will be plenty more.