There’s a lot of speculation and downright head scratching over why Hermione (#bosswitch) wasn’t sorted into Ravenclaw. Hermione, who worships books and thinks every answer can be found in the school library. Hermione, who read all her school books before even getting on the Hogwarts Express (although, if you just found out magic was a real thing that you were capable of doing, you’d probably do the same thing). Hermione, whose literal worst fear was Professor McGonagall telling her she’d failed all her exams.

So what’s this boss witch doing in Gryffindor? Shouldn’t she be with the other Raven Nerds?

Well, I have a theory that the Sorting Hat looked into the future and saw that the fate of the Wizarding World literally depended on her being in Gryffindor. After all, without Hermione, Harry — the Chosen One, Savior of Wizard-kind — would have died about ten times in his first year alone.

But kidding aside, you have to remember that the houses aren’t really about personality traits; they’re about values. Ravenclaws value knowledge above all else and Gryffindors value loyalty and bravery. So what does Hermione value the most?

Well, just look what she says to Harry right before the climax of Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone, as Hermione sends her friend off to his very possible death, after already saving him several times in that chapter alone.

“Me! Books! And cleverness! There are more important things — friendship and bravery and — oh Harry — be careful!“

Right here, in this fearful and emotional moment, Hermione shows that she has very little regard for her own wit and prolific literacy.  It matters more to her that people do the right thing and stick by their friends in the face of danger.

Guess she didn’t need to sort out her priorities after all. The Sorting Hat — who, by Hermione’s own admission, did seriously consider Ravenclaw — saw what Hermione truly valued and decided Gryffindor was the place for her. And thank bajeebus, because we’d have all been toast without her.

There’s a lot of buzz recently about, who else, Mr. Donald J Trump.

His recent disturbingly moustache-twirling-level-of-evil Islamaphobic comments have inspired a lot of comparisons to this generation’s iconic, albeit moustache-less villain, Lord J Voldemort. In fact, as Cafe.com pointed out, putting his dialogue on top of Voldemort’s movie scenes looks shockingly natural.

This post prompted a friend and I to discuss possible Trump/Voldemort puns, but unfortunately all I could come up with was He-Who-Must-Name-Everything-After-Himself.

Fun, but a little too long to the punchline.

And well, as usual, Queen Rowling has a point. At least Voldemort was openly on the side of evil. If you were his supporter, you knew you were literally on the Dark Side. You even had a snake tattoo on your arm. If that doesn’t say evil, I don’t know what does.

So that begs the question. Who is worse than Voldemort? Well. I think anyone who read the complete Harry Potter series (and if you somehow haven’t read them go do so immediately your life is not complete) can tell you there was another character they hated more. A fictional figturd who was actually the human embodiment of continuous nails on a chalkboard while having a root canal with menstrual cramps. You guessed it…

If there was one character in the entire fictional world I could bring to life just so I could punch them in the face, it would be Dolores Umbridge.

She is the most irritating, sadistic, sanctimonious see-you-next-tuesday ever to grace our imaginations. What makes her worse than Voldemort is that she believes, and convinces others in powerful positions, that she’s on the side of good. And by corrupting and misinforming the vulnerable youth, she can debatably do more damage than Voldemort can.

One tumblr user put it as “Voldemort is the villain we hope to never face. Umbridge is the villain we face every day.”

So, if Voldemort isn’t as bad as Trump, and Umbridge is worse than Voldemort….then by transitive property…that’s right:

Trumpbridge.

Now let’s send him the same way we sent Dolores.

Anyone got some centaurs handy?

#SendInTheCentaurs

Oh, and to Trump and all the other people who want to deny an entire religion of people access to our country because of misinformed bigotry?

By now we’ve well established that I am a huge fan of The Muppets.

So the fact that I had to force myself through most of the episodes of the new Muppet Show with a considerable amount of boredom mixed with the occasional dash of agonizing pain? Well, that’s quite a feat. It seems that my initial trepidations over the direction of the show were more correct than my 180 degree turn into total faith after their concept pitch at Comic Con.

I hate it when I’m right and then wrong and then right again.

But I am holding out hope. Why? Because they’ve chucked out Bob Kushell as showrunner and brought in Kristen Newman. Who seems to understand that we do indeed want our grandmother’s muppets.

But, I have been burnt by Muppety promises before.

Promises to bring back Camilla, Lew Zealand, and Robin, as well as write Miss Piggy as less of a misogynistic nightmare, do give me hope. And the setup of this show really does have incredible potential, as I’ve said before. Potential that, thus far, has not been tapped into. So here are the things that need to happen in the second half of this season to make that untapped faucet spring forth golden Muppet water.

1.Turn Denise into Bacon.

I am all for having more girl muppets, believe me. And I actually like how they’re using Yolanda now. But there is nothing enjoyable, watchable, or, most importantly, remotely funny about Denise. And Kermit making sex jokes? Yeah. I’m gonna make like my grandparents and throw that non-kosher blasphemy outta my house.

2.Give Kermit Some Zoloft

When you think of Kermit, what’s the image that pops into your head?

Okay, besides that brilliant meme that is necessary for everyday life?

That’s right, happy Kermit flailing his arms and screaming “yaaaaaay!” because he is so excited to make tonight’s show. Yes, everything is going to go wrong, and he’s going to cower at Miss Piggy’s demands and Fozzie’s terrible jokes, but he’s still going to love what he does and have a lot of fun doing it. That’s part of what makes us have so much fun watching him.

But when the theme song for this show is literally Kermit shrugging apathetically while he stands alone at the snack table and commiserates, “Time to get things started,” you have a serious tonal problem.

Kermit’s primary emotion is supposed to be love. Love for what he does and who he does it with. And yes, we see him care about Fozzie this season, but even when he’s doing so, his primary emotion is annoyance. Which can get, well, really annoying. The straight man/anchor character is never going to be the audience favorite, but you have to at least enjoy following their lives. I don’t enjoy following around pessimistic, cynical, downtrodden Kermit. It’s like watching a grad student during finals week. Yes, there is a time and place for sad sack characters (Eeyore, I love you). But Kermit, as the anchor of this show? Not the time, the place, or the character. It’s just not who he is, and trying to make him that way is a crime so egregious it’s akin to writing a Gonzo who is afraid of doing his trademark stunts of insanity and nonsense. 

Yeah, Gonzo is my fav, so that one really hurt. But we’ll get to that later. Bottom line, perk up Kermit. Your life’s not that horrible.

3. Show the Muppets Actually Making and Performing the Show

For a show that takes place mostly backstage at a talk show, they sure do a lot of ignoring the talk show. I cannot tell you how aggressively I don’t care about the Muppets’ dating lives. Not only have we seen every iteration of the “dating sitcom” imaginable, it’s just not a great source for the kind of humor the Muppets excel at. The Muppets are performers. They are incompetent performers. They are trying their best and almost always failing, and that’s why we love them so much. We laugh as they flounder to hilarious degrees, and smile in those wonderful, somewhat rare moments where they do succeed. And we keep watching them because, despite their failures, they don’t hate their job, which is something this TV show has clearly forgotten while Bobo was trying to sell his daughter’s girl scout cookies. The Muppets love what they do and they want to succeed. They just all have very different ideas of what successful entertainment looks like. And that’s where we get the funny.

And what’s funnier or more entertaining than an absurd Muppets sketch? Nothing. That’s what.

According to the interview with the new showrunner, there will be more sketches and backstage antics under Lady Newman’s rule. But again,

4.Keep Deadly and Big Mean Carl Exactly as They Are

These two are just killin’ it.

But most importantly:

5.Let the Muppets be Muppets

Muppets are bizarre, unique, quirky, fun, and absurd. They are their own brand of humor. Trying to normalize them, as the show has done thus far, is death to Muppets. When Gonzo went on a dating site, only to have his human-muppet date stolen by Liam Hemsworth, Big Bro and I both asked the same question. “Why wasn’t she a chicken?!” Think how much funnier it would have been to see Liam Hemsworth become quite taken with a muppet chicken and then take her home with him. Not to mention much more fitting for Gonzo’s character.

Why has this show been so quick to rationalize the Muppets? The Muppets should never be rational or sane. That’s locking away all the fun toys you get to play with when you write for the Muppets. They can get away with the sort of jokes and corny schtick that no one else can. That is not something to run away from. That is your ace in the hole. I saw tiny glimpses of it here and there this season, like when Sweetums replaced Patrick Dempsey with a giant block of butter (I laughed hard at that one), but it’s not the dominating tone that it needs to be.

The Muppets aren’t normal. They’re better than that. The Muppets succeed most when they’re earnestly attempting the wacky things that only a child or drunk person would think of as a good idea. Yes, this show desperately needs to remember how much heart the Muppets have. But more than that, they also need to remember the zany.

No more Sam Eagle trying to date Janice using a mistle-toe, no more Kermit asking Miss Piggy for dating advice, no more Gonzo being insecure about online dating. I want Gonzo to love flying out of a canon and breaking all of his bones again. I want Sam Eagle to be indignant about American ideals again. I want Statler and Waldorf to have the most creative and vitriolic zingers again (remember when they joked about infanticide? Those were the days). I want Dr. Honeydew and Beaker to make the stage explode with Lew’s boomerang fish as Beauregard desperately tries to catch them all in a trash bag with a giant hole in it.

No more normal stuff. Please. Let the Muppets be Muppets.

Look, I’m just gonna say the thing we all know.

Rivers of Light is boring.

In case you don’t know, because you spend time outside and not on Disney Park’s YouTube page, Rivers of Light is the new nighttime show in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park. Disney spent a shit ton of time, resources, and sweet sweet Olaf plush doll money to get this show up and running about a year after they said they would.

And it’s neat. For like, a minute. And then it’s boring.

There’s not a story, the music doesn’t grab you or go particularly well with the visuals, and there’s only so long floating air colors can entertain an entire stadium packed with parents of small children who have been crying all day over their spilled Mickey Bars that some bitch in a wheelchair knocked out of their hand so she could beat them to the line for Frozen Ever After.

I’m sure Disney knows that Rivers of Light is a bit of a Fail Whale, but they also can’t just pull the plug so easily when Disney built a 5,000 seat water-based amphitheater specifically for this show.

But Armchair Imagineer Leah has the solution.

That’s right, you read the title. Moana. Moana. MOANA.

Disney has regarded Moana as having somewhat underperformed at the box office because it didn’t match Frozen or Zootopia’s success. But that’s rather unhelpful thinking for Disney for reasons I’ll get to later. Not to mention that Moana still made $600 million in box office grosses during a time when they had to compete with nerdy family friendly juggernauts Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and Star Wars: Rogue One. But the inability to match Zootopia and Frozen’s numbers, according to the Disney Dish Podcast, may have led to them axing the rumored Moana Volcano Coaster.

But people still love this movie. They love the characters, the story, the visuals, and, especially, the music. So, although a transforming volcano coaster sounds, um, totally awesome, Moana is an IP (intellectual property) meant to be turned into live entertainment. Using Rivers of Light‘s giant water-based amphitheater, Disney could create a mixture of the Broadway-show-emulating-experience of Disneyland’s Hyperion Theater (previously showing Aladdin, now showing Frozen) with the stunt spectacular experience of Fantasmic!

Now, how, you ask, do you put a 90 minute film about a hero’s odyssey across an anthropomorphized ocean complete with shape shifting heroes and giant lava monsters onto a stagnant water surface?

Surprisingly, the technologies necessary already exist in Disney Parks (past and present), as well as other places in the country.

We start off with shadow puppetry – already in Rivers of Light before the show starts. A voiceover of Grandma Tala gives the opening backstory about Maui stealing the Heart of Te Fiti.

Then we have a young Moana – a short adult dressed in young clothing like in the Frozen Live stage show, or we could do a puppet if we wanna go full toddler look – “playing” with the water. She’s standing on the edge of the island (either a permanent structure or a float-in set). For this, we sample some of the special effects Disney already does in Rivers of Light, but also employs in World of Color  and even Splash Mountain. The colors change, water jets “jump” around, fountains sprout around her, and we’re introduced to the Heart of Te Fiti. Grandma watches prominently from the mountain in the background. Moana’s Dad shows up, grabs her, tells her to stay away from the dangerous water (maybe the water “rises” angrily with threatening red colors around them), and then we launch right into “Where You Are,” which will be a straightforward yet spectacularly choreographed dance number. Coconuts get tossed, structures get built, “kids” play, hula dancers dance, and it’s just a ton of fun.

Plus, there can be a fun little trick when Moana changes from a kid to a young woman. Child Moana begins to dance with the water in synch with her Grandmother, and on the lyric “The water is mischievous, HA! I like how it misbehaves,” the water screen (frequently used in Fantasmic!) “knocks” Moana back and hides her completely as Grandma continues to sing, “The village may think I’m crazy, and say that I drift too far, but once you know what you like…” and as the lighting indicates the passage of time, the water recedes on the lyric “well there you are,” and we see a fully grown Moana dancing in synch with her Grandmother.

We then have a truncated two or three line version of the “everything the light touches is our kingdom” speech Chief Tui gives to Moana. The song finishes with Moana dancing in determined harmony with her people, but Moana finds herself drawn to the water during the final bars of the song, and the end of the song launches straight into “How Far I’ll Go.” This song would be most effective if sung live, but a sound system that allows for that might not be possible in that space. But at the very least it should be pre-recorded in such a way that suggests they might be singing live to heighten the experience.

You’re starting to get the idea, right? We play out the story mostly the same, except we cut out a large chunk of the second act. We skip the part with the coconut vinylmation ferbie doll attack as well as the entire sequence that takes place on the Island of Monsters. Not that those parts aren’t doable, they just would make the show too long, and they’re not all that necessary for the story. (…Also I kinda hate the song “Shiny”). But anyway. We get to have a lot of fun doing “You’re Welcome,” as well, with the help of a charismatic actor/dancer playing Maui. This dance number can include some of the black-light effects mixed with puppetry utilized in the “Under the Sea” number of Hollywood Studio’s Voyage of the Little Mermaid.

Disney is great at impressive choreography on land. We know this. So here’s how you do the tricky water stuff:

We Know the Way

After Grandma Tala tells Moana about their voyaging ancestors, and Moana hits the drum in the cave (suggested by lighting, not an actual cave, or we could eliminate the “cave” entirely and just have Grandma Tala’s words conjure the vision), we see the ancestors sailing behind a large water curtain. This technology has been around for decades; I saw it myself as a little kid at a local garden’s outdoor theater. And now? The technology can do some pretty amazing things.

But how do we have a ship sailing across an ocean on a man-made lake? This one could actually be a really cool effect. And it comes courtesy of surfer dudes.

I’m talking about surf machines:

Now, obviously this technology may have to be applied a bit differently, since it’ll be a matter of sailing a raft instead of riding on a surfboard, but I feel like with a little hydraulic creativity, Imagineers could come up with something really effective.

Just imagine at the end of the show, when Moana has restored the Heart of Te Fiti and returned to her island, we once again see voyagers through the water curtain as the opening notes of “We Know the Way (Reprise)” play. Except this time, as the song crescendos (and the lyrics begin), the voyagers burst through the water curtain, to reveal Moana, her family, and the rest of Motunui sailing on the ocean once again. The entire cast lip synchs the song as they sail, and a water projection shows a Monterey version of Grandma swimming with them. Moana climbs onto the mast of the center ship, Captain Jack style, and the show ends on the final note of “We Know the Way (Reprise)” with a single spotlight on her, leading her people from the mast of the ship, wearing her “Chief to Be” outfit. Epic, right?

Know Who You Are

Almost as epic as her face-off with Te Ka will be. Te Ka will be done entirely through puppetry, and will basically be a larger, more intimidating version of the people-like puppets from the extinct Tapestry of Nations parade in Epcot.

Once Moana realizes that Te Ka is what Te Fiti has become without her Heart, the ocean literally parts for Moana as she walks over to Te Ka in one of the most beautiful moments of animated cinema.

Well, I think we can. I hope we can. I’m not sure how the technology works, but maybe we could at least apply the idea in a way that would work in an outdoor arena.

Have you ever experienced Posiedon’s Fury in Universal Studios Orlando? I don’t recommend it. It’s long, cheesy, and they don’t let you sit. But there is one part where they use hydraulics to make it appear as if the sea is “parting” for you to walk through.

Now, the conditions for Poseidon’s Fury are obviously very different from the ones Imagineers would be faced with in the Rivers of Light amphitheater. Poseidon’s Fury‘s stunt takes place in a small tunnel. But if we can isolate a small portion of the giant water theater and use some optical illusions, using hydraulics, you could clear away water the audience doesn’t realize is barely an inch deep, use a water curtain or screen to emulate the ocean “parting,” and have the actress walk across to meet giant puppet Ta Ka, while she lip synchs “Know Who You Are.” Once Moana restores T’Fiti’s heart, the panels on the Ta Ka puppet can reverse, to show a greener, friendlier, happy T’Fiti. Or Ta Ka can “break apart” and the T’Fiti puppet can be quickly placed in between to seem as if she has burst out of Ta Ka’s shell. Or the Ta Ka puppet can be built around the T’Fiti puppet. There’s a lot of possibilities here, is my point. With a bit of creativity and experimentation, when matched with Moana’s music and the right lighting, this moment could be incredibly moving.

Speaking of moving –

I’m really excited about the possibility of my absolute favorite moment of this movie…

I am Moana (Song of the Ancestors)

Amid all the water stunts and choreography, this can start as a quiet, surreal moment where the actress playing Grandma Tala appears wearing a bioluminescent costume, a la Claire Danes at the 2016 MET Gala.

As the song progresses, the ancestors appear again behind the water curtain, and then the water curtain comes down to show the boats also bedecked in bioluminescent glow.

As Moana finds her strength in her identity within her family and her people, the water screen goes up to show a projected “silhouette” of Moana diving for the Heart of T’Fiti, the music swells, the lights bathe the audience with the warmth of the bioluminescence, but as Moana “comes up” from the water (she stands triumphantly on her boat and the water screen goes back down), the water curtain abruptly goes black/dark blue, hiding the ancestors and Grandma Tala (who has left while the water screen was up), and the music stops. It is dark and quiet on the ocean. Moana is alone. Until we hear the cry of a Hawk, and Maui appears next to her, having returned.

Yes, this is all going to be very expensive. Disney has a harder time getting sponsors these days, since companies can easily spread the word on Twitter or YouTube instead of relying on paying massive amounts of money to Disney just to say their name. And when Disney has to pay a lot of their own money for a new attraction, they get a little…

But Disney really has to learn to understand the Costco Chicken Principle. Even if you lose money on a specific “item,” if that item is spectacular enough to drive more people to your “store,” you’ll make more money off that item in the long run.

Right now, Rivers of Light isn’t inspiring me to spend money on an Animal Kingdom admission ticket. And even if something else (mainly Flight of Passage) does, I’m still happy to leave before dinner and not spend more money in the parks. For something like this Moana show, I might fork over money for a dinner package that guarantees me a good seat. Not to mention, it promotes an IP that could sell a lot of plush. And that’s Disney Park’s business plan these days, isn’t it? Disney can’t get someone else to foot the bill, so they’ll use intellectual property to promote both the ride, the movie, and the corresponding merchandise? Find me a 10 year old girl who would not, after seeing badass Moana control the water, transform Ta Ka into T’Fiti, and faux belt her face off, immediately beg their parents for a Moana costume? And maybe a kayak rental? I mean, that’s not ideal for already budget strapped parents, but it’s a good reason for Disney to spend a lot of money to make this show as mesmerizing, spectacular, and genuinely moving as it could be. And then everyone else gets an amazing nighttime show. Everybody wins.

I’m certainly not against making shows that have nothing to do with any specific IP, as Rivers of Light tried to do. But I am against a show that fails to portray a cohesive story with real emotional resonance. Rivers of Light tried its best, but it just didn’t work out. Moana’s story is primed and ready for this type of entertainment. And not to pull the “WWWD” card, but Walt Disney knew about the power of promoting his newer movies in the park. You think Peter Pan‘s enduring merchandise prowess, despite the fact that the original movie itself isn’t all that popular today, has nothing to do with how much people love Peter Pan’s Flight? Don’t forget, Walt named his Florida Project’s castle “Cinderella Castle” partly to promote Cinderella. And, according to Jim Hill of Disney Dish Podcast, today she’s still one of the top merchandise-selling princesses. I find it unlikely this is a coincidence. If Disney wants Moana to do Zootopia numbers during its second life on digital streaming? They should put her in the parks in a serious way.

And then, you know, pay me lots of money for my brilliant idea. I’ll even write the whole script for a stay in Cinderella’s Castle. Call me, Disney.

Welcome, foolish mortals, to this special Halloween post.

Last year we sat around the fire to tell tales of the scariest parts of the Disney parks, and this year I thought we’d turn our attention to some of the most chilling haunts of the Walt Disney Animated Studios.

If you read my blog – which of course you do, you’re literally reading it right now – but if you follow my blog, you know of my unadulterated, psychologically questionable adoration for Disney villains. As such, a lot of the typical villains didn’t scare me as much they should have. I dream of one day going to a Tavern like the one in Shrek 2.

The following characters, however, go beyond deviously devilish. They are literally the stuff my nightmares are made out of.

5. Si and Am from Lady and the Tramp

These are two shady little mother effers.

Also racist as all get out, but that’s another post for another time.

Their penetrating blue eyes shine with the demonic delight that comes from nine lives of malice and destruction. They’re so casual and methodical about their evil doings. It stresses me out.

Plus, they work in complete tandem! Without any communication! These freaks are organized. Like the raptors from Jurassic Park.

Where’s a T-Rex when you need her?

4. The Coachman from Pinocchio

Well. Time to turn myself in to Reverend Hale because I’m pretty sure I just saw the devil.

It’s just so random and unexpected. That demon face comes out of nowhere! At first glance he’s your basic fat, corrupt entrepreneur. Just sitting there all calm and patient while a talking fox smokes a cigar, completely adverse to the idea of killing people, total supporter of keeping Pleasure Island firmly planted in Downtown Disney where it belongs….and then he spontaneously pulls out his Buffy vampire face and…

I’m with ya there, Anthropomorphic Fox and the Hound.

3. Headless Horseman from The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr Toad

Disney likes to traumatize people. You know this, I know this. Starting from Dumbo and Bambi, and continuing all the way to Up!, Disney seems set on bestowing upon its loyal viewers deep, penetrating emotional scars. With its take on the Sleepy Hollow tale, they decided to switch tactics. Tears of loss and despair? Nah. Let’s make them shit their pants instead. 

I actually dressed as The Headless Horseman two years in a row for Halloween. Because, like Batman, I become that which I most fear.

2. Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit

He’s still animated! It counts! Do not dare question my lists!!

This pseudo-animated style is actually what makes him so thoroughly petrifying.

No, I mean this is literally petrifying. Like, I need mandrake potion after I watch this movie to revive myself.

Everything about him is just off. He seems your average shady, dark cloaked villain, until he reveals his red animated knife eyes and his inexplicably high pitched dog whistle of a voice…

It’s too much for your brain to grapple with. Like seeing a snake or a spider, you just know that something is very wrong here and I do not understand it but all I know is that I need to get far, far away from here! 

And the most ghoulish of them all?

1. Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalmatians

This is the only villain I genuinely despise.

There is nothing more disgustingly demented, more drastically demonic, or more devastatingly disturbed than a woman who wants to steal your puppies and skin them for their fur.

I mean…who even came up with that idea?

What kind of sicko was looking at their adorable puppy one day…

…and decided, “I’m going to make a movie about someone desperately trying to kill you.”

Nothing scares me more and makes me cling to my adorable puppies faster.

Aren’t they the cutest!?

Until next time, my grinning ghouls. Hurry ba-ack.

Do NOT read if you have not finished all of Part 1 (Acts 1 and 2) of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, or there will be a total collapse in the space time continuum!

Catch up with my Act 1 histrionics first!

Have I given enough instructions? Do I have anyone left reading? Eh. I’ve spent the majority of my life talking dramatically at people who aren’t listening, I’m not about to stop now.

Alright, I’ve forsaken all human interaction so I can read Act 2 of this play. Because I like fake people better than real ones, apparently.

Okay so we’re seeing more of Aunt Petunia AKA the ACTUAL worst parent ever. Y’know, considering his horrible, horrible life, Harry is basically Jesus Boy for turning out as kindly as he did.

If Harry woke up, still in the cupboard under the stairs, realizing that his whole seven book journey was just a delusion to help him escape his horrible reality, would he be disappointed or relieved?

Wow, I’m kind of a bummer right now. This play can be kind of a bummer. Where’s Fred and George when you need them?

Oh, right.

I AM SUCH A BUMMER.

Professor McGonagall is Headmistress of Hogwarts. Hermione is Minister of Magic. Please tell me Molly Weasley is enjoying her retirement from being Supermom as Head of the Interior or something because this world rocks.

God, how old is Professor McGonagall now?

“PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: I can give you Professor Longbottom — his knowledge of plants might be useful — and —

Suddenly there is a rumble in the chimney. Professor McGonagall looks at it, concerned. Then Hermione tumbles out.

Aren’t there more pressing “running the Wizarding World” issues the Minister of Magic should be doing right now, anyway? Instead of joining a search party on a glorified amber alert? I guess Hermione’s default is still set to “saving Harry’s ass.”

Suddenly there is another rumble in the chimney and Draco comes down hard, surrounded by cascading soot and dust…

DRACO: Sorry about your floor, Minerva.

It is a sad state of affairs when Draco Malfoy is the only one with manners around here. C’mon trio, that’s Minerva Fudging McGonagall!

Are Delphi and Albus…flirting?! Isn’t she in her 20s? And Albus is like 14? Okay, we may need that amber alert after all, Minister. Run away, little boy!

“Scorpius appears at the back of the stage. He looks at his friend talking to a girl — and part of him likes it and part of him doesn’t.” 

THESE TWO ARE SO IN LOVE GUYS.

AND I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT DELPEDOPHINI AND ALBUS

You know, of all the characters JK Rowling killed with her Death Stick, Cedric is probably the one I care least about coming back to life.

Okay so we’re seeing Bane the Centaur but not Neville. Sure.

Guess they were worried they couldn’t find someone as hot as Matthew Lewis.

Which, let’s be real, they can’t.

I wonder how they do the centaur costume.

“SCORPIUS: All I ever wanted to do was go to Hogwarts and have a mate to get up to mayhem with. Just like Harry Potter. And I got his son. How crazily fortunate is that.”

No, seriously, this has to be canon, right? Look, I love my friends, but, like normal people, I express affection by calling them smelly little shits. Like a healthy person. The only way a 14 year old says this to another human being is if a boner is involved.

Ludo Bagman ragging on Beauxbatons. Heh. French burn.

Wow Scorpius and Albus are really bad at stealth mode.

“YOUNG HERMIONE [to Scorpius in Durmstrang robes]: Who’s Rose? And what’s happened to your accent?”

Oh, so all Durmstrang students have to have an accent, Hermione?

Harry sitting beside his son in the hospital wing that he spent an inordinate amount of time in as an adolescent gives me feels.

DUMBLEDORE HOLY MERLIN IT’S DUMBLEDORE

Harry is like a Jewish mother. “Why don’t you cuall more Dumbledore?” “I’m not even a real person, Harry.” “Still, it’d be nice if you cualled.”

If you knew the size of my nose you’d know I’m allowed to make that joke.

“HARRY: I’ve never asked how you felt about me naming him after you, have I?

DUMBLEDORE: Candidly, Harry, it seemed a great weight to place upon the poor boy.”

Albus has three names and he feels like he can’t live up to any of them.

Technically someone may have pointed this out to me, but if he’s going to point things out that make me cry face emoji then I’m gonna robber emoji his ass.

“DUMBLEDORE: You must see him as he is, Harry. You must look for what’s wounding him.”

Dumbledore, now is really not the time to be vague. You know Harry wasn’t sorted into Ravenclaw for a reason. The dude can only work with specifics.

But also Harry’s trying to reach out to the closest person he thought of as a father who was never really a father because he had to put the good of the Wizarding World before the good of Harry and Harry knows that but it doesn’t stop him from asking the echo of this man how to connect to his son because he has no idea how to have a child-parent relationship because he never had one himself and all he wants to do is give his son what he never had but that just makes the pressure even worse on them both and OH MY GOOD FEELS

“DUMBLEDORE: Ah really, what does my opinion matter anymore? I am paint and memory, Harry, paint and memory. And I never had a son.

HARRY: But I need your advice.

ALBUS: Dad?

Harry looks at Albus and then back at Dumbledore. But Dumbledore is gone.”

OF COURSE HE’S GONE HE’S ALWAYS GONE AND HARRY WASN’T REALLY HIS SON

Some people with traumatic pasts self medicate with alcohol or drugs. Harry medicates with chocolate. I understand this.

HAROLD JAMES POTTER HOW DARE YOU ABUSE THE MARAUDER’S MAP FOR AUTHORITARIAN PURPOSES WHAT WOULD FRED SAY

I have a hard time believing Professor McGonagall would actually agree to be in charge of keeping two students apart by monitoring them on a map, doesn’t she have more important things to take care of? Maybe she’d ask the Head of House to do it? But definitely not the Headmistress.

I guess the Chosen One gets some liberties.

“HARRY: I thought for a long time I wasn’t a good enough dad for you because you didn’t like me. It’s only now I realize that I don’t need you to like me, I need you to obey me because I’m your dad and I do know better. I’m sorry, Albus. It has to be this way.”

Okay, as painful as this was to read and imagine, and as much as I wanna smack Harry in the face right now, this feels super real to me. Most parents come to this realization at some point, that it’s more important to create a better life for their child than it is to have their child like them. Which it is…it’s just that Harry isn’t doing so good a job of creating a better life for his child at this particular moment, mostly because he’s so frightened of the darkness that engulfed his childhood doing the same to Albus. I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO SAYS THIS ISN’T CONSISTENT CHARACTERIZATION I FEEL THIS PEOPLE I FEEL IT

Albus, you stepped on a butterfly and now Dad-Joke Ron is gone. …but that might be for the best.

So now Ron is married to Padma Patil and has a son named Panju. Which means that Albus basically killed Rose and Hugo. BUT now if they un-do this reality, they’ve basically killed Panju. So it’s time to play…which cousin do you prefer be alive?! These kids are gonna be SO MESSED UP FROM THIS.

“PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: I’m not sure this is what the Marauder’s Map was intended for.”

EVEN PROFESSOR RULES-ARE-RULES KNOWS THIS SPITS ON THE GRAVES OF FRED AND ALL THE MARAUDERS GODDAMIT HAROLD.

“PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: A head teacher’s portrait is a memoir. It is supposed to be a support mechanism for the decisions I have to make. But I was advised as I took the job to not mistake the painting for the person. And you would be well-advised to do the same.”

JK Rowling just takin’ care of some more plot holes that these damn kids have been yelling about for nine years.

Also continuing the theme of characters being dictated by the echoes of their pasts in a way that does disservice to the present.

But mostly the plot hole thing.

Actually it is a nice clarification. I always wondered why they didn’t just make Dumbledore’s portrait Headmaster of Hogwarts.

WHOA HARRY YOU DO NOT TALK TO MINERVA LIKE THAT

I appreciate that when Harry says stupid shit to his kids, Ginny is like, “You’ll figure it out,” but when he talks to McGonagall rudely she’s like, “BITCH WHAT YOU DOIN”

Whoa Harry just threatened McGonagall with Ministry intervention! This is Sectusempra Harry coming out to play!

“ALBUS: But you’re not this mean.

HERMIONE: And that’s twenty points from Gryffindor to assure Albus Potter that I am this mean.”

I relate a little too much to angry Professor Hermione.

Which is why I never babysat as a teenager.

So…because Hermione didn’t marry Ron…she’s a mean professor instead of Minister of Magic?

I get they’re trying to say that Hermione and Ron improve each other, but I have a hard time believing not being married to Ron keeps Hermione from still “wanting to do some good in the world.” Maybe something horrible happened to Hermione, or she became too frustrated with unfeeling bureaucracy, and Ron was the one who helped her through it? But I’m basically calling shenanigans on this one.

Aw, Harry and Draco are dueling. Just like old times.

I’m not even joking. This made me really nostalgic.

Again, this is why I do not teach children.

“GINNY (drier than dry): What did I miss?”

Basically the late 80s.

“SCORPIUS: You’ve never been to Hogwarts?

DELPHI: I was — unwell — as a child — for a few years. Other people got to go — I did not.”

NU UH BITCH YOU SAID PEOPLE AT SCHOOL SAID THERE WASN’T A HOLE YOU DIDN’T PUT YOUR FOOT IN YOU LYING WHAT’S UP DELPEDOPHINI I SEE YOU

“DELPHI: Albus needs you, Scorpius. That’s a wonderful thing … Find him, Scorpius. You two — you belong together.

They really do, Pedophini, they really do.

“DRACO: Sorry about your kitchen, Ginny.

GINNY: Oh, it’s not my kitchen. Harry does most of the cooking.”

FEMINIST WAR CRY OF JOY

“DRACO: Maybe the black cloud Bane saw was Albus’s loneliness. His pain. His hatred. Don’t lose the boy. You’ll regret it. And so will he. Because he needs you, and Scorpius, whether or not he knows it.”

Okay, JK Rowling DEFINITELY watched A Very Potter Sequel.

“SCORPIUS: Because of what we did, Rose wasn’t even born. Do you remember being told about the Triwizard Tournament Yule Ball? All the four Triwizard champions took a partner. Your dad took Parvati Patil, Viktor Krum took — 

ALBUS: Hermione. And Ron got jealous and behaved like a prat.”

Okay, I can buy Albus knowing the story of how his aunt and uncle began dating, but how does Scorpius know!? Although the idea of Draco Malfoy tucking his little boy in at night and telling him the story about his nemeses’ adolescent dating lives is a rather entertaining image, it’s a bit far fetched.

So the hinge factor of Ron and Hermione dating and then getting married was Ron’s jealousy of Krum!?

“SCORPIUS: … Professor Croaker’s law – the furthest someone can go back in time without the possibility of serious harm to the traveler or time itself is five hours. And we went back years.”

If you squirt this page with lemon juice, you can read, “So stop asking me why they didn’t just use the time turners to solve all their problems, ok?!” in JK Rowling’s handwriting.

Scorpius, no matter how many times you say Rose’s name, I am not going to buy that she is the one you’re in love with.

Also, Albus, you should probably care just a little more that your cousins no longer exist. Maybe.

Scorpius laying down some veritaserum truth syrup here.

“PROFESSOR McGONAGALL (from off — trying to give them every chance): I am about to enter.”

I just love this bitch.

“[Professor McGonagall] looks back at the map, she looks at the boys. She smiles to herself.

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: Well, if I didn’t see you, I didn’t see you.

She exits.”

“ALBUS: I don’t think Voldemort is capable of having a kind son — and you’re kind, Scorpius. To the depths of your belly, to the tips of your fingers.”

Um, Mr. Thorne, sir? NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT.

“Albus smiles and stretches out a hand.

ALBUS: Friends?

SCORPIUS: Always.”

but actually that was horribly mean c’mon writers don’t do that to my ovaries

Scorpius thinks Albus’s idea to humiliate Cedric into not performing well is a “really good strategy.”

These two are aggressively not bright.

Professor McGonagall is onstage on her own. She looks at the map. She frowns to herself. She taps it with her wand. She smiles to herself at a good decision made.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Mischief managed.”

Minerva telling Chosen One Harry Potter that she doesn’t care what Ministry powers he brings down on her, she’s not playing into his idiocy, BECAUSE BOSS

“PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Well, [Albus and Scorpius] are together.

DRACO: In the girls’ bathroom on the first floor. What on earth would they be doing there?”

Same thing Ron and Hermione were doing in there.

“MOANING MYRTLE: What did you call me? Do I moan? Am I moaning now? AM I? AM I?

SCORPIUS: Do, I didn’t mean…

MOANING MYRTLE: What’s my name?”

“SCORPIUS: Myrtle.

MOANING MYRTLE: Exactly — Myrtle. Myrtle Elizabeth Warren –“

Wait. WHAT.

I — I’m not sure what to do with that. So we’re just gonna blow past it.

“MOANING MYRTLE: I think it was a secret, but I could never keep anything from you, Harry. How is it you’ve grown handsomer and handsomer as you’ve aged? And you’re taller.”

Was that…was that a burn on Daniel Radcliffe? Was that a Daniel Radcliffe is short joke!? Please say it was. I just imagine JK Rowling telling Jack Thorne to put that in there, and Daniel Radcliffe seeing the show, and getting to that line, and just facepalming like “Goddamit Jo, ya got me.”

Wow. I really need to sit in a corner and re-evalaute my life choices.

After I finish reading the play about MY FRIENDS.

“And then Cedric starts to grow — and grow again — and grow some more. He looks around himself — entirely panicked. And the boys watch as Cedric ascends helplessly through the water.” 

HOW DO THEY DO THIS ON STAGE. HOW.

“LUDO BAGMAN: … Oh my, it gets wilder still, around Cedric, fireworks explode declaiming — ‘Ron loves Hermione’ — and the crowd loved that — oh, ladies and gentlemen, the look on Cedric’s face.”

Scorpius and Albus thought sky writing would change Ron and Hermione’s feelings towards each other. These two are so stupid it’s actually a little adorable.

“DOLORES UMBRIDGE: Scorpius Malfoy. Get out of the lake.”

NO 

NO NO NO

NOT YOU.

ANYTHING BUT YOU.

“DOLORES UMBRIDGE: “Miss? I’m Professor Umbridge, the headmistress of your school, I’m no ‘Miss.’”

“DOLORES UMBRIDGE: … Now come along — I don’t know what game you’re playing but you’re upsetting the dementors and entirely ruining Voldemort Day.”

Voldemort Day!?

….VOLDEMORT DAY!!?!?

I…I don’t even know how to feel about this.

VOLDEMORT

DAY

Like…Diffendoofer Day?

VOLDEMORT DAY.

HE WAS UPSETTING THE DEMENTORS.

Is this…supposed to be hilarious? Because it is. Objectively “You’re upsetting the dementors and entirely ruining Voldemort Day” is a HILARIOUS sentence.

…but it seems a little inappropriate because we’re about to end the entire first play on the realization that the world is completely fucked, Voldemort AKA Wizard Hitler won and achieved world domination, and basically everyone we know and love is dead.

I need to know how this is acted. Is it played for laughs? Is it supposed to be just scary? A little of both?

Either way, it looks like Albus and Scorpius just made a huge, tiny mistake.

Well, I guess that’s the end of Part 1…I should go try and do that human adulting thing…and I’ll see you again on Voldemort Day?

Note: Once again, please don’t put any spoilers for Part Two in the comments section, in case anyone reading hasn’t finished yet!

Disney, who recently invested a billion dollars in their new Magic Band technology, has just announced their newest technological project: Magic Portals.

That’s right, Magic Portals. As in gateways that take you from one park to another, in the blink of an eye, simply by walking through them. We saw the precursor to this technology at Enchanted Tales with Belle, where the Beast’s magic mirror takes guests from Belle’s Cottage to the Beast’s castle. It was previously assumed these rooms were connected, but now we know this was a discreet test run of an undisclosed, patented scientific breakthrough (possibly with the aid of fairy dust, maybe even some mid-chlorines), that allows Imagineers to teleport guests in between parks that are miles apart in only a matter of seconds.

The technology is subtly and brilliantly revealed in the season premiere of Blackish, the ABC sitcom created by Kenya Barris, which took place in Disney World, because, you know, corporate synergy.

P.S. If you don’t watch Blackish, you should, it’s pretty funny.

This episode, however, more closely resembled the VHS planning videos we sent away for in the 90s. It dropped a lot of Disney marketing buzzwords that remind you there’s a ton of new attractions to see at Disney Parks, so you need to book a trip ASAP!  Such as “Soarin Around the World,” “Frozen Ever After,” “Magic Bands,” and “Jim Rash is your VIP Disney Guide.”

…okay maybe that’s just a buzz word for me.

But the most startling new technology in the episode was showcased not by any specific attraction, but by the speed with which you can now travel in between attractions.

The B-Plot of the episode starts with Ruby and Pops (the grandparents of the family) pouting on Main Street of the Magic Kingdom with the rest of the family, firmly determined not to have a wonderful time at the Most Magical Place on Earth.

So they decide to take Dre’s credit-card-charging Magic Bands (see what they did there?) and head over to Epcot to “make it rain.” Bow (the mom), upon finding out that her preggo eggo can’t go on any of the fun rides, wanders off to find them, only to somehow stumble upon them at the Dawa Bar in Harambe Village in Animal Kingdom, despite Ruby and Pops telling the family they’d be in Epcot.

And anyone who has held their phones in the air trying to get enough signal to text their lost family members knows how hard it is to “stumble upon” the rest of your party in Disney’s Animal Kingdom (which, for reference, is 5.5 miles from Magic Kingdom).

Anyway, the curmudgeonly trio decide to go back to their hotel (Animal Kingdom Lodge, another buzz word/phrase/thing!), where it’s air conditioned. But they get lost and wander into Epcot (5.2 miles away), where they are accidentally ushered onto The Land’s new Soarin’ Around the World ride (full of “sensory delight” Ruby exclaims as a marketing rep smiles approvingly).

Then, while stumbling off the ride and looking for an exit, they decide to go on Dumbo, which is, of course, in New Fantasyland in the Magic Kingdom (4.2 miles away).

The only way you can accidentally stumble into three different parks while half heartedly trying to find an exit (“Oh, there’s an actual exit,” says Bow disappointedly when they finally see the Magic Kingdom exits, at the exact location where they started the episode from), and then somehow stumble upon the rest of the family back in the Animal Kingdom again…

…and then get back to Magic Kingdom again in time for the Wishes Fireworks Show…

…is for there to be actual magical portals that take you automagically from one park to the other, without ever getting on a bus, train, boat, or monorail. And you should be excited about this.

Need more evidence? The A-Plot of the episode follows the rest of the Johnson Family as they use Disney’s VIP Service to get them a private tour and front-of-the-line service. But we learn in the third act of the episode that they only bought seven hours worth of Jim Rash’s services. Yet, somehow, in that seven hours, the Johnson Family managed to get from Splash Mountain at the Magic Kingdom:

To the Tower of Terror in Hollywood Studios:

to Test Track at Epcot:

back to Magic Kingdom for Thunder Mountain, Main Street Photos, and Jack Sparrow’s Pirate Tutorial:

Reportedly then — via the “most shaded route” — to Frozen Ever After at Epcot (although we never see any footage there, I assume because even the camera crew was unable to get a FastPass):

And then back again to Magic Kingdom for Seven Dwarfs Mine Train (which I guess is what they used their FastPass on instead):

Then on to Kilimanjaro Safaris in Animal Kingdom, where Jim Rash is released from ABC’s guest spot contract and the Johnsons have to finally wait in a line at Expedition Everest:

And then, again, they all reunite back at Magic Kingdom in time for Tinker Bell’s Flight.

We know for sure this all took place in the same day, because, aside from Jim Rash only being there for seven hours, Bow exclaims to Dre how she just had “the best day!” when she finds him waiting outside of Expedition Everest. Even if you’re getting a private car service and ushered directly to the front of all lines, this kind of travel is only possible if you are stepping into one of those doorways from 8-bit video games that takes you immediately to a new location.

Therefore, it is official, Magic Portals are coming to Walt Disney World.

I, for one, am really excited for the official announcement once this technology exits the beta stage. Although, you have to admit, this was a pretty cool way to surreptitiously announce it. Of course, this new technology would require guests to purchase Park Hopper passes, which is sure to cause some consternation and negative press, given Disney’s already hiked admission prices and controversial paid extra hours events. Although, it could be argued, you’ll be saving more money in the long run by packing four days worth of vacation into one. Guess we’ll have to wait for the special Disney World episode of How to Get Away With Murder to learn more!

A representative of the Society for People Who Can Actually Hear the Notes You Sing released a statement today publicly pleading tone-deaf singers to not try and sing the songs from the new Disney hit Moana outside of their shower.

“Look,” the spokesman, Sandy Plankton, said, “We know the music is great. You love it. We love it. It’s Lin Freaking Manuel Miranda. But we just got our hearing back from all those ‘Let it Go’ covers, and trust us, ‘How Far I’ll Go’ is even harder to sing.”

Moana hit theaters last month and has been consistently on the billboards for hits such as “How Far I’ll Go,” “We Know the Way,” and “You’re Welcome.”

“You think you’re hitting the notes,” Ms. Plankton continued, “but trust us, you’re not.”

Others, excited to have another hype lemon to squeeze, have their iPhones firmly set to ‘video-mode.’ Says one tone deaf shower singer, Becky Geraldson, “I just feel like, if The Rock can sing, then so can I!”

“You are not the genetic superiority that is The Rock,” assures Ms. Plankton. “You will never, nor could you ever, be The Rock. Now please, don’t post your goddam kids singing these songs on my Facebook feed. I drink enough as it is.”

Despite their differences, Becky Geraldson and Sandy Plankton agree, you should definitely go see Moana, and listen to the soundtrack, because, according to Ms. Geraldson, “it’s kind of the best.”

As anyone who follows me on twitter — or listens when I shout incoherently out my window at night– knows, I am equal parts excited and apprehensive about the new live action remake of my favorite movie, Beauty and the Beast. On the one hand, Jungle Book. On the other hand, Maleficent. On the one hand, Ian McKellan as Cogsworth. On the other hand, Ewan McGregor as Lumiere. I could go on with this, but you’ve heard my window rants, so you know.

So of course I was very interested to read this article suggesting that LeFou will be explicitly gay in the new live action movie. I won’t be convinced Disney actually does the thing and doesn’t just try to publicize they did the thing until I see it in the movie theater, but I’m interested to watch this fun clip of one of my favorite Disney villain songs, Gaston, with this new information and HOLY CRAP LEFOU JUST KILLED A GUY.

That is not an innocent neck crack. That guy is DEAD. LeFou just snapped his neck!

“Oh, Leah,” you’ll say. “He’s fine, he makes your standard Weird-Moustache-Guy face and is totally alive right as LeFou lets go and slides into Sexy Pose.”

No, that’s just how chickens still run around for a minute as they take the journey from “Chick” to “Fil-a.” Anne Boleyn was still moving her lips in prayer moments after her head was chopped off. Just sayin.

That guy is dead. LeFou killed him. True love ain’t bringing him back.

Which leaves us all wondering the important questions about one of Disney’s top henchmen…

(I kinda hope it’s the latter)

I guess we’ll find out on March 17!

[Big Bro’s note: Dude just turned his own head, chill the eff out.]

Game of Thrones is over. It hurts. Both because it was a staple of our lives we all loved and enjoyed together for over eight years, and also because after a ground breaking, impossibly good, world phenomena series run, they kinda stuck the landing like…

https://themagicalworldof.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/stick-the-landing.gif

But I’m not here to talk about that, because, well, the Memes pretty much have that covered. I’m here to talk about something Game of Thrones did really, really right (well, for the most part):

Arya and Sansa Mother Fucking Stark.

Game of Thrones (and I will be dealing exclusively with the television series here) was at its best when it was subverting traditional storytelling tropes. Think of your favorite moments in the series. Battle of the Bastards? That’s the moment where Jon has his big warrior stand against an incoming army, only to get trampled and be engulfed by the confusion, chaos, and absolute destruction of a battle instead of the glorious, swelling heroics we subconsciously expect. Or how about when Ned died? When you were trying to figure out how this (supposed) anchor character was going to get out of this impossible hole he found himself in, only to find that he wasn’t. The Red Wedding? The Septa Balor? The birth of Dany’s dragons? All moments that went against what our brains have been programmed to expect from traditional storytelling, and yet fit into the larger narrative being spun just for us better than those expected moments would have.

Sansa and Arya are no exception, and their storylines are inextricably connected. Yes, they start as diametric opposites. Sansa is the beautiful, traditional, Lady-in-Training, and Arya is the tomboy fighter who doesn’t fit into her prescribed social role. They are bound by their shared home, name, and family, but also by another unifying trait.

They’re both Disney princesses.

I do mean specifically “Disney” princess, too. Not just because, well, I gotta stay on brand, but because they fit the Disney princess tropes. After all, in our modern conscious, the “princess” tropes and “Disney princess” tropes have become synonymous. And, as any Disnerd knows, royal lineage is often the last criteria considered when classifying a Disney princess. It’s about the common character traits and journeys they share.

So how are Sansa and Arya both Disney princesses, when their personalities and journeys are so starkly (heh) different? Simple. Sansa is the traditional 50’s era* Disney princess – i.e. Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora – and Arya is the 90’s era Disney princess – Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Mulan, Esmerelda, etc.

*Yes, Snow White came out in 1937, but we’re simplifying and generalizing here, people.

Sansa’s beauty – although not her defining characteristic – is the trait preeminently commented on by other characters in the show. Just like the OG princesses, whose beauty is always mentioned in the opening prologue and then often used to motivate the villain.

She is quiet, demure, and accomplished at the domestic arts. “You’re perfect, aren’t you?” comments Cersei scathingly, as Sansa prays with the ladies of King’s Landing during the Battle of Blackwater.

And her greatest wish is to leave her current living situation to marry a handsome prince.

David Benioff even alluded to this comparison in one of the Season One “Inside the Episodes.” We’ve never discussed Arya in relation to Disney princesses, though. Perhaps because, to the uninitiated, calling a character as badass as Arya a “Disney princess” seems like sacrilege. However, the enlightened know that Disney princesses got a massive reboot in the 90’s.

They became headstrong, capable, but repressed women who didn’t fit into the prescribed social role their fathers picked for them.

They went on long, treacherous journeys, and sacrificed parts of themselves in order to achieve a goal they had from the beginning.

Whether they fought with words or weapons, they became warriors against those they thought did harm. They fought with their own intelligence and learned experiences, sometimes with the help of a more feminine weapon.

And while it’s often not her main motivation, there is always an attractive romantic interest she meets somewhere along the way on her journey (again, dealing with 90’s princesses, not later).

So we have two main tropes of our standard Disney princesses. The Strong Independent Lady On a Quest (To Marry a Prince) and The Beautiful Saint in Trouble (Until She Marries a Prince). But it’s Game of Thrones. So things take at turn for the Starkly darkly.

Turns out Sansa’s original living situation wasn’t so terrible, and the prince who comes to save her from her old life is actually the cause of the greatest miseries imaginable.

Arya doesn’t achieve her goals by making friends with talking teapots or getting a guy to kiss her, but by becoming an unstoppable, avenging, killing machine.

The cool thing, though, is that as their stories progress, despite how dark and twisted their stories become, they don’t eschew these “princess” qualities. They actually use them to their advantage.

Sansa: The Awakening Beauty

Sansa arguably has a fairly traditional 50’s princess journey. She is the perfect, quiet, idealistic, domestic beauty whose life is turned upside down by the machinations of others. Unlike most characters, Classic 50’s princesses aren’t active agents in their stories. They don’t seek out things: things happen to them. Snow White’s stepmom/head of state sends a hit-man after her. Cinderella’s father dies and leaves her in an abusive home. Aurora is hunted by a (badass) maniac with magical powers.

Likewise, Sansa’s story arc for the majority of the show is the result of the machinations of others, and has little to do with her own choices and actions. Ned and King Robert decide to betroth her to Joffrey the Human Version of Menstrual Cramps. She was orphaned, imprisoned, betrothed, married off, and made part of a regicide entirely at the hands of others. Even a moment that seemed like her own doing – the knight-turned-fool offering her a necklace and escape plan because of her earlier kindness – was actually the machinations of Littlefinger and Lady Olenna.

It is notable that 50’s princesses, despite all the trauma that happens to them, never change from their original, unflappable, naive, idealistic, poised, beautiful, perfect selves.

However, Game of Thrones is very much not a fairy tale. At its best, it takes fantasy/fairy tale situations and applies real life consequences to them. And in real life, significant life events – especially traumatic ones – change you for better and for worse. This is what I found so damaging about Disney’s version of Cinderella. We don’t see how these (female) characters’ domestic abuse, violence, and trauma affect their ability to remain “perfect.” Enter Sansa.

The major subversion of Sansa’s Classic Princess storyline is that we actually watch her struggle and suffer, internalize and evolve. She doesn’t stay as innocent, naive, and “perfect” as she once was, as a typical 50’s princess would.

But, ironically, beautifully, she continues to play the part of the Perfect Princess, even though it is easy to see her words are divorced from her internal thoughts and feelings. In fact, she turns these notably uber feminine, 50’s princess traits into her surreptitious weapons.

Showing an extreme amount of emotional intelligence, Sansa pretends to be guileless, obedient, and amenable, because it’s the only thing that keeps her from being killed or further tortured.

Sansa never becomes a physical fighter, but her needle becomes as much a weapon as Arya’s sword Needle. She sews clothes that show her authority to the Northmen in later seasons and she makes a cloak for Jon that helps mend bridges between her and her now-powerful-but-loving, estranged brother. Most notably, in a watershed moment for her character, she makes a dress that turns her own beauty against Littlefinger, who seeks to use and control her beauty for himself. But, in the end, Sansa uses it against him as a weapon on its own. Something, it seems, Littlefinger did not anticipate as fully as he should – the one scenario he did not plot out in his mind.

That’s because these weapons are so subtle, and so feminine, they are missed by most of the men seeking to control Sansa. She becomes thoroughly underestimated. So she is allowed to observe and gather herself and her strength, so that she can finally unleash herself once she’s finished her education and able to take control of the game herself.

In the end, Sansa has learned and grown so much, she arguably plays the game better than anyone else in the show.

The fairy tale story dictates that Sansa should have been carried off by a prince, far away from her troubles, as long as she remained sweet, pretty, and thoroughly unflappable. But Sansa achieved what she did not because she wasn’t, er, flapped, but because she had an immense inner strength that helped her to grow from her horrific experiences (which is what I think the writers tried and failed to convey in that disastrous “it’s great I was raped” speech). Sansa learned that these fucked up princes – who would take her away with a kiss – were not her salvation, but her obstacles. For six seasons, Sansa freezes like a statue as threatening, unwanted men kiss her on the mouth. Until, finally, when Littlefinger tells her he wants to rule Westeros with her by his side – effectively if hypothetically offering her the dream she had in season one – and he leans in to kiss her once more, she puts her hand out, and gently but firmly stops him.

It’s still a quiet move. There aren’t big speeches or stab wounds. But it’s another major turning point for her character. She finally has gained the power she needs to make choices for herself – something her narrative was never supposed to allow her. But Sansa found a way. So her story ends, not with someone carrying her off to yet another land or castle – as she once hoped Loras Tyrell would have done – to solve her problems with another proposed marriage, but with Sansa making the active decision to plant herself resolutely and singularly in the North, the place the little princess first dreamed of being rescued from. She rules there as Queen Regent in her own right, without any marriage or other male alliance putting her there.* And she does it with the help of those feminine, decorous characteristics we associate with the original 1950’s Disney princesses. But with a very, very welcome divergence. She learned, she changed, and she made the choice herself.

*You could argue Jon Snow helped elevate her, but you could also argue he stood in her way just as much, and in the end, she proved herself as a leader to the Northerners while Jon was off banging his aunt on a boat, and then she secured the independence of the North and was coronated while he was growing a beard in a cell, so I stand by my point.

**You could also argue that Bran helped but, c’mon, who has Bran ever helped?

Arya: A Princess Has the Darkest Timeline

Arya arguably has a fairly traditional 90’s Princess Hero/ine’s Journey. She leaves her home to achieve a goal. She journeys far, faces many setbacks and obstacles, learns new things that help her overcome those obstacles, and then eventually achieves her goal. Except, instead of said goal being to avoid an arranged marriage, save her father, or grow legs and a vagina, Arya’s goal is to cut off the faces of people she’s placed on a kill list so she can wear them as a skin while she kills more people on said kill list. While smiling.

I knew there was a reason Arya was always my fav.

Well, at least, that’s the goal that drives her Hero’s Journey, but that’s born out of her trauma. Arya’s actual, core desire/super-objective (the thing she would sing an “I Want” song about) is more abstract and intangible, like Belle’s from Beauty and the Beast. She wants to live a life that is true to her own self, and not the one that is socially mandated to her. Mayhaps that life will involve murdering terrible people and baking them into pies, who knows?

This is actually fairly typical of 90’s princesses. The desire that catalyzes their journey is secondary to their deeper, inner drive. Yes, Ariel wants to marry that dude she just met and never spoke to, but that’s because of her deeper desire to live on land. Mulan leaves home to rescue her father, but the conflict driving her story is her struggle to find her true inner self.

It is notable of 90’s Disney princess story arcs that, like 50’s princesses, their character and motivations rarely change. While, unlike 50’s princesses, they grow and learn over their journey, of which they are the active agents, they nonetheless don’t go through many radical transformations (as for instance, the Beast of Beauty and the Beast or Elsa of Frozen does). No key character traits are altered. It’s more about their journey to find the thing they wanted all along.

Likewise, in the end, Arya more or less returns to where she started, with a powerful lord offering her a life as a lady of a great house, to whom she easily says no, because she wants more than that provincial life. She responds with the phrase that could easily be Arya’s thesis statement: a constant thread in the beginning, middle, and end of her story.

However, the biggest subversion here, besides, y’know, the cold-blooded killing part, is that, unlike those other modern Disney princesses, Arya does undergo a lot of character change, and then has to learn how to find her way back to the person she was at the beginning of the story, before she can truly achieve the goals she started with.

Despite what those movies suggest, when you lose so much, journey so far, and fight so hard for a single goal, it’s impossible not to change. Granted, the last leg of Arya’s arc, when she decides to give up vengeance for good, was, ahem, a little rushed (for elaboration, I once again direct you to Memes), but Arya’s overall journey was a tricky balance of achieving her goals, learning things that changed her, and learning things that helped her retain and return to her core. And those core traits? Yup. Classic 90’s princess traits.

Like those princesses, Arya is active, capable, bullheaded, and impulsive. More importantly, though, Arya cares deeply about justice, and even goodness. She never wanted cruel people to get ahead. She cared more about Micah the Butcher’s Boy than any royal family member, because he was kind and her friend. She risked her life, and her quest to become a faceless assassin, simply because the stranger she was ordered to kill didn’t deserve to die. And, unlike Sansa and the 50’s princesses, she’s not one to keep those opinions to herself.

It was these personality traits that led her to betray the Faceless Men and begin her journey home, but they’re also the traits that the House of Black and White most effectively dampened and nearly erased. They successfully taught her to never betray emotion, to move silently, methodically, and to act as a servant to the Many Faced God, whether his commands were just or not. It shows how much of herself Arya lost that she found herself genuinely conflicted over whether or not to kill Lady Crane, the kind Leading Player whose only call to death was another woman’s ambition and greed. In the end, her sense of justice, dampened but not extinguished, won out, and Arya betrayed the House of Black and White, warned Lady Crane, and effectively exiled herself from The House of Black and White and placed herself on their own kill list. It’s her first step towards regaining herself after becoming No One, a process furthered by reuniting with important people from her past. Hot Pie reminds her of friendship and human connection, and helps Arya (impulsively) decide to reverse course and return home. The Hound alerts her to how much she’s changed (“You never used to shut up, now you’re just sitting there like a mute”). Gendry reminds her of *other* forms of human connection, and his presence motivates her to take more bold and impulsive/emotional actions. Most importantly, Nymeria, her long lost direwolf, reminds her of that fundamental, core desire to forge her own path: “That’s not you/me.” Slowly, a girl starts to become Arya Stark again.

But the most important thing that led Arya back to Winterfell, her home, and her true self, was her devotion to her family –  another hallmark of a 90’s Disney Princess.

Arya’s main drive on her journey – vengeance – comes entirely from a love of her family. When she isn’t able to protect them, as their descendant Tony Stark would have said, “you can be damn sure she’ll avenge them.” And when that Disney Princess feeds Lord Frey the remnants of his dead children while wearing the face of a woman she killed, she makes damn sure that Walder knows it’s a Stark that’s smiling down on him as he dies. “I hate heroes,” she later tells the Hound as they leave Winterfell for King’s Landing for the final battle, when he asks why she’s not enjoying the adulation due to the Hero of Winterfell. She stabbed the Night King so he didn’t kill her and the ones she loved. She became a killer out of love (and grief and anger) for her family, not for glory, or even blood lust. Like a true princess.

She begins to lose sight of that at The House of Black and White. After all, No One has no family. But it’s arguably that love of family that keeps Arya from ever being in danger of completely losing herself, since, when purging herself of the possessions of Arya Stark, she couldn’t bring herself to throw away Needle, the sword her brother made for her. It’s that connection to her family that allows Arya to regain her identity and return to Westeros. At the same time, the seeds of suspicion and hyper-vigilance planted by the House of Black and White almost cause Arya to break irreparably with her closest remaining family, her sister Sansa, when she returns home to Winterfell. Arya has to learn and decide to trust Sansa, and subsequently Arya becomes Ride or Die for the Stark she always struggled to connect with. When Arya bridges that last gap that exists (and always existed) between her and her family, she looks more comfortable in her own skin than ever, and we don’t see her wear a different face again.

Because it’s only after Arya has reconnected these parts of herself, when she returns to her very beginning of her journey, standing with a figure from a foreign land who offers to fend off certain death so that she can run towards her destiny, and who asks the question…

…can Arya claw her way back to the core character she was at the beginning of this story, and successfully complete the 90’s princess story arc she began eight seasons ago. But, y’know, while still keeping those darker, subversive twists. She kills the Night King (something 90’s princesses typically don’t do), rejects the love interest who would lead her away from her goals (something 90’s princesses definitely don’t do), and sets off on an adventure to literally chart her own path towards unmapped territory. Just as she would have wanted in season one. Sailing on a ship away from lords, ladies, sewing needles, and even vengeance, to find adventure in the great wide somewhere.

Presumably accompanied by her bag full of faces. But with a direwolf sigil on her sails. While her sister Sansa protects the family and the North, sitting on her throne in Winterfell, ending her princess journey far from where she started, even though she’s the one in the same physical space. Two happy endings very hard won, connected and diverging. Cuz it doesn’t matter what kind of princess you are, as long as you own it with everything you got.

And those are the Disney princesses we always deserved.