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As you know, I’m a slave to the Mouse, so when they produce something as fabulous as Frozen, I’m immediately going to adopt all of its lessons as my new life philosophy.

So, in no particular order, here are all of the things I have learned from Frozen.

Warning, spoilers ahead!

1. Don’t marry strangers. You can, however, hitchhike with them. 

Having taken my cue from previous Disney princesses, I figured you just married the first guy you got the hots for. Or who kisses you while you’re passed out.

For all I know, you could be a psycho killer 😀

Anna, however, taught me that marrying a guy you just met can have ugly consequences.

Who knew?

However, when Anna put her life (and consequently her kingdom’s welfare) into the hands of an antisocial mountain man who spends all day talking to his reindeer, everything turned out hunky dory.

Well, any port in a storm.

So if you need me, I’ll be spending the next few days on I-95 looking for a Hunky Hill Man.

[Big Bro’s note: Try to find one of those Duck Dynasty guys. Cha ching.]

2. Trolls make for awkward family gatherings.

Be wary when a guy takes you to meet his troll family. First of all, they look like rocks. Which makes you question your new Mountain Man’s sanity.

Also, they’ll probably try to marry you to whoever you show up with.

Awkward.

So be sure to lay down some ground rules before the next gathering. Like “don’t-be-home-wreckers” and “make-sure-I’m-not-dying-before-we-break-into-a-well-choreographed-musical-number.”

3. If you must have a talking sidekick, hire Josh Gad to be his voice.

We all thought, okay I was sure, that Olaf was going to be the “Mater” of Frozen. The dim-witted, heart of gold, annoying little sidekick that makes you want to throw things that are sharp towards things that are fluffy. But he was endearing, adorable, and…funny. I give 1000% credit for this to voice actor Josh Gad, who just had the most brilliant delivery on his lines. Please hire him for all future musical comedies.

4. On a similar note, hire Idina Menzel to sing all your power ballads.

Just…dear lord, woman.

 5. Snow Monsters just want to feel pretty.

In case you missed the post credits scene, even the evil snowman got a happy ending.

He discovered Elsa’s discarded crown, put it on his head, lost his scary ice-knife extensions, and skipped merrily along.

So the next time I’m chased by a mythical snow creature, I’ll just throw him the plastic Belle tiara my mother gave me (no joke) last year for Christmas. Problem solved.

[Big Bro’s note: Why do you think Mom gave it to you?]

6. Reindeer are better than people.

Don’t you think that’s true?

7. Sisters Before Misters. Literally.

No, this actually saved Anna’s life. She chose saving her sister over getting a kiss from her mister (who may have been her true love or he may have just been the next available hot guy) and it saved her from the ice curse…which was admittedly inflicted by her sister in the first place. But that’s just semantics. So let it be known, ladies: Hos (hoes?) before bros. It could save your life.

[Big Bro’s note: Or you could just be nice to people with deadly magical powers.]