Yes, last week we talked about Disney drunkenness and now we’re moving on to assholes. No, I’m not referring to the Disney villains. They do bad things, but that’s their job! Otherwise the hero would have nothing to do.
These five characters just do things that, when you stop and think about it, are kinda dickish. Some of them might not even stick too clearly in your memory, often times they slide into the background unnoticed. But when you really think about them and their actions, you sit back and say “Wow. What an asshole.”
Here are my top five.
5. Scuttle from The Little Mermaid
I know, not what you’d expect. Sure, his voice is a little annoying but he’s just a funny little seagull who’s a little confused! Right?
Wrong. Scuttle is a know-it-all, already placing him in the asshole category. What’s worse, though, is he doesn’t actually know anything. He just pretends he does. So he fills Ariel with all this false information about snarfblatts and dinglehoppers, leaving her completely misinformed for her expedition into the real world. So she gets to land, trying to woo her dreamboat Prince, and makes a complete idiot of herself trying to comb her hair with a fork. And she probably worked really hard committing all those whoozits and whatsits to memory! It’s like hiring an SAT tutor who has you go into the test thinking that the square root of 144 is potato. Yup. Scuttle is an asshole.
4. Bambi’s Dad from Bambi
So, you’re a baby deer.
Your mother was just brutally murdered by MAN (yes, it has to be said like that) and you’re a puddle of tears in the middle of the snowy meadow. Then along comes your totally absentee Dad, who’s been too busy with his career as Great Prince of the forest to bother with parenting you. Does he offer you comforting words? Encouragement for the future? Even a mere condolence? “Sorry your mom got her brains blown out?” Nope.
“Get up, Bambi. Your mother can’t be with you anymore. “
Yup, he basically just tells his kid to stop crying and get over it. Way to kick a guy when he’s down. His voice is so cold and emotionless. Can you at least pretend to care about your kid? Douche.
3. George Darling from Peter Pan
This guy is a giant cry baby. He hasn’t lost track of his inner child; he never grew up past the tantrum stage! He has three small children and is having a hissy fit that his shirt got a little dirty. So who does he take it out on? The dog. Not just any dog, either. This is a dog who has basically been raising his children for him. Nana makes the beds, tidies the nursery, administers medicine…actually, this dog could make some serious dough if they took her on Letterman. But instead of becoming a YouTube phenomenon, Nana is cast outside. Why? Well, Georgey was stomping his big ol’ feet like a petulant over-grown toddler, and Nana desperately scrambles away so as to avoid being trampled. In the process, she slips on some toys and both she and George come toppling down. Everyone, quite rightfully, rushes to Nana first to make sure she’s okay. George, though, being an asshole, can’t handle that he’s not the center of attention. So he banishes Nana to sleep outside, tied to a rope. The children beg their father not to take their beloved dog, who has clearly been more of a parent than George has. Michael lovingly clings to Nana’s neck. But George heartlessly ignores them and literally drags poor Nana by her collar out of the door to spend the cold night by herself.
Look at that face! Way to punish an innocent puppy for no apparent reason. Nice, dude. Nice.
2. Ginger Kid from Dumbo
Cartman was right. Gingers have no souls.
How else could you explain this kid’s actions? Not only does he mock the most adorable baby elephant ever created to compensate for his own funny looks, but he climbs into the pen to pull on the elephant’s ears. Ouch! When Dumbo’s mom tries to protect her child, the kid runs after Dumbo and pulls him away just so he can blow in Dumbo’s ears and torment him some more. Sociopath. And you know that he went crying to the ring leader and was responsible for the mother being placed in solitary confinement away from her baby. Then of course, this scene happens.
Feelings. So many feelings. This guy made the list mostly because he put forth the events that made this scene happen, and now I’m just a mess of tears and emotion. Thanks, nameless ginger guy. You’re an asshole.
And the biggest asshole in Disney canon is…
1. The Enchantress from Beauty and the Beast
Yeah, not what you were expecting for number one, was it? But think about it.
While the age of the young prince who became the beast remains ambiguous, we can deduce from the stained glass in the opening scene and the fact that he can’t read very well that he was somewhat young when the curse hit. Sure the portrait looks a bit older…but for the sake of argument let’s say he was probably about thirteen.
Update: Realized that the prologue states Beast is around 21 by the end of the movie. Lumiere states in Be Our Guest that they’ve been “rusting” for ten years. That would mean that he was only eleven when the enchantress came knocking on his door!
New scenario: you live in a shady area in the woods in a giant palace. You, apparently, live by yourself (where are the parents, anyway?). A creepy old woman knocks at your door, hands you a rose, and asks to come into your house. Uh, stranger danger! I’ve seen Silence of the Lambs, I’m not letting some creepy old stranger into my house! But the enchantress decides this is an unforgivable crime and punishes the young prince with a curse. You know, in a legal court this would count as entrapment.
Double Update: If you take this quiz, run by Disney’s social media blog, it will verify that the Beast was only 11 years old when the Enchantress came knocking on his door when he was home alone. Basically, the Enchantress was Joe Pesci to Beast’s Macauley Caulkin.
Anyway, the punishment for not trusting a stranger is being turned into a beast. He can reverse the curse if he finds someone he loves and who loves him before the last petal falls. Now, how unfair is this? He lives in a remote location and he has to find the love of his life? And he has a time limit? That’s hard enough to do in a populated area! It’s not like he has eHarmony! It’s not that he’s simply ugly, either. He actually looks like a different species. So he not only has to find a true love connection, he has to find one with someone who is okay with borderline beastiality. Yeah, good luck with that.
Oh, and the enchantress doesn’t just punish the young boy who didn’t let her in. No, apparently everyone has to suffer. So an entire palace full of servants who may have had lives and families have to permanently become objects because of their prepubescent master’s one mistake.
And what made the enchantress go to the palace anyway? Did she sense there was some bratty teenager who needed to be taught a lesson about not judging a book by its cover? That’s not your kid, why are you meddling with his upbringing? Isn’t that his parents’ job? Who died and made you in charge of royal juvenile discipline? This all seems a little extreme.
She was probably on some giant power trip and wanted to make herself feel big and powerful. So, congratulations, Enchantress. You are the biggest asshat in all of Disneydom. Put that in your rose and smoke it.
Who do you think is the biggest asshole of Disneydom?
