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Disney World Should Replace Rivers of Light with a Moana Water Musical Spectacular

Mar 23

Look, I’m just gonna say the thing we all know.

Rivers of Light is boring.

In case you don’t know, because you spend time outside and not on Disney Park’s YouTube page, Rivers of Light is the new nighttime show in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park. Disney spent a shit ton of time, resources, and sweet sweet Olaf plush doll money to get this show up and running about a year after they said they would.

And it’s neat. For like, a minute. And then it’s boring.

Beauty and the Beast is Secretly a Failed Superhero Origin Story

Mar 22

The new live action remake of the classic 1991 animated Beauty and the Beast came out last weekend, and it tried to pour some asphalt into the plot holes Disnerds have been cheekily pointing out for years (not me, of course, but like, okay yeah me). Unfortunately, in the process, it opened more cracks in the plot pavement than a Philadelphia winter.

(Spoilers ahead!)

Disney Controversially Turns LeFou Into a Stone Cold Murderer

Mar 03

As anyone who follows me on twitter — or listens when I shout incoherently out my window at night– knows, I am equal parts excited and apprehensive about the new live action remake of my favorite movie, Beauty and the Beast. On the one hand, Jungle Book. On the other hand, Maleficent. On the one hand, Ian McKellan as Cogsworth. On the other hand, Ewan McGregor as Lumiere. I could go on with this, but you’ve heard my window rants, so you know.

Basically this.

Charities Your Favorite Disney Princesses Want You to Donate To

Dec 22

It’s the holiday season, and with the new year approaching, it’s a great time to think about how to give back. Not sure which cause is nearest to your heart? Let your favorite Disney princesses be your guide!

What follows is a list of charities I think the Disney princesses would support based on their values and experiences.

Note: All charities listed in this article have top ratings on CharityNavigator.org, unless otherwise noted. Read More…

Non Tone Deaf People Plea: Please Don’t Turn Moana into a Sing-A-Long

Dec 12

A representative of the Society for People Who Can Actually Hear the Notes You Sing released a statement today publicly pleading tone-deaf singers to not try and sing the songs from the new Disney hit Moana outside of their shower.

“Look,” the spokesman, Sandy Plankton, said, “We know the music is great. You love it. We love it. It’s Lin Freaking Manuel Miranda. But we just got our hearing back from all those ‘Let it Go’ covers, and trust us, ‘How Far I’ll Go’ is even harder to sing.” Read More…

Alan Tudyk is Officially Screwing With Us

Dec 02

Guys.

Alan Tudyk is just trolling us all.

I talked before about the inhuman voice talent that is Alan Tudyk. He’s the John Ratzenberger of the new Disney era of animated films. Except, instead of having a distinct, recognizable voice, you can never tell it’s him.

BREAKING! ABC’s Blackish Season Premiere Reveals Newest Disney World Technology: Transporting Portals

Sep 27

Disney, who recently invested a billion dollars in their new Magic Band technology, has just announced their newest technological project: Magic Portals.

That’s right, Magic Portals. As in gateways that take you from one park to another, in the blink of an eye, simply by walking through them. We saw the precursor to this technology at Enchanted Tales with Belle, where the Beast’s magic mirror takes guests from Belle’s Cottage to the Beast’s castle. It was previously assumed these rooms were connected, but now we know this was a discreet test run of an undisclosed, patented scientific breakthrough (possibly with the aid of fairy dust, maybe even some mid-chlorines), that allows Imagineers to teleport guests in between parks that are miles apart in only a matter of seconds.

The technology is subtly and brilliantly revealed in the season premiere of Blackish, the ABC sitcom created by Kenya Barris, which took place in Disney World, because, you know, corporate synergy.

Histrionic Listicle Thoughts of a Fangirl While Reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Part 1 Act 2

Aug 05

Do NOT read if you have not finished all of Part 1 (Acts 1 and 2) of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, or there will be a total collapse in the space time continuum!

Catch up with my Act 1 histrionics first!

Have I given enough instructions? Do I have anyone left reading? Eh. I’ve spent the majority of my life talking dramatically at people who aren’t listening, I’m not about to stop now.

shall we begin

Histrionic Listicle Thoughts of a Fangirl While Reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Act 1

Aug 02

*howler Mrs. Weasley voice*

SPOILERS FOR CURSED CHILD. MASSIVE RUIN-THE-STORY-FOR-YOUR-INNER-11-YEAR-OLD-WHO-WAITED-AT-BORDERS-AT-MIDNIGHT-FOR-THE-NEXT-HARRY-POTTER-BOOK SPOILERS.

*kindly Mrs. Weasley voice*

But please, do read on for my snarky reactions after you’ve finished. This post only covers Part 1 Act 1, so you’re safe as long as you’ve read that far.

Disney Sorting Hat: Queens Edition

Jul 16

Welcome back to the Disney Sorting Hat!

Today we’re sorting Disney Queens, and I’m only doing Disney Queens that have enough of a presence in the film to judge a personality on. Rule of thumb, if they don’t get a line, they don’t get a house.