Kill/Marry/Refurb: Epcot Pre-Shows

I love pre shows. Whether it’s the masterpiece that is the Muppets 3D pre-show or the spine chilling voice of faux Rod Serling in the Tower of Terror, they set the mood for the attraction and can be almost as fun as the ride itself.

Today we’re talking about the ones that belong to the bane of every small, Magic Kingdom-loving child’s existence, Epcot!

And yet, the older I get, the more I love it.

Let’s play!

Kill — Captain EO

It’s not that I even hate this pre-show that much. I actually enjoy seeing the behind-the-scenes stuff and the 80’s workout clothes give me a fiendish delight.

This is probably how we’ll see leggings in a couple of years…

But there’s only so long before “nostalgic” and “retro” becomes code for “lazy.” It’s time for something new, guys. This whole attraction needs to go, baby and bathwater. See ya!

[Big Bro’s note: Thanks for the spoiler.]

Marry — Universe of Energy

Ellen + Bill Nye the Science Guy =

Ellen + Billy Nye the Science Guy + Witty Fourth Wall Jokes =

I don’t care that it’s old. I don’t care that the science is outdated. I don’t listen to any of that garble anyway. Nice try, Epcot, but you can’t educate me! I’m too busy laughing at Stupid Judy!

So, to the pre-show at Universe of Energy, with its witty jokes that truly never tire, I gladly say “I do.”

I just really like fourth wall jokes. 

Refurb — Maelstrom

 

What? Maelstrom doesn’t have a pre-show!

Sure it does. If you think about the “pre-show” as the first part of the attraction, then the actual ride of Maelstrom is the pre show and the coma-inducing commercial for the “Spirit of Snoreway” is the main attraction.

You know I can’t get through one of these things without cheating.

Anyway, the boat ride of Maelstom is highly overrated.

That’s right, I said it.

Nice kitty….

Yes, it’s nice because it’s one of the few actual rides in the World Showcase. Yes, it’s nice that it’s one of the few attractions that doesn’t technically have a corporate tie-in — although if you think it’s not blatantly trying to sell you something then you might want to head back over to Fantasyland where you clearly live.

I am super ready for a Frozen attraction in Disney World, and Maelstrom seems the logical place to put it. I don’t know why, but I can’t shake the strange desire to have a toboggan-style race down a mountain next to Olaf. Can that be a thing? I want it to be a thing.

Just as long as it’s more creative than the boring ass Little Mermaid ride. Amirite? 

I need to take off before I anger more Disnerds. Check out other Kill/Marry/Refurbs from the fabulous blogs below! And, as always, thanks to Mouse on the Mind and Happy Place Blog for hosting this shindig!

  • Ian Perkins-Taylor

    I LOVE UNIVERSE OF ENERGY!!!!!! F#%$ all the haters who say it is outdated and has to go, that ride is so funny. I go to Epcot just for Ellen and Bill Nye!

  • Mouse on the Mind

    OMERGAWD! Not only did you kill EO, you spoiled GoT!! MURDEROUS BASTARD!!

    Love your hilarious post, as always. Tiny hearts!