Kill Marry Refurb: Muppets

There’s a new Muppets movie coming out this weekend.

To celebrate, Mouse on the Mind and This Happy Place blog are theming their Kill/Marry/Refurb to Muppets!

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I have an intense love for these little guys. They rock in every way imaginable. They’re goofy, they’re witty, they’re adorable, and they were cracking meta jokes before they were cool. They’re kinda the bomb dot com.

[Big Bro’s note: Preaching to the choir.]

So choosing just one to marry, and admitting that there are two of them flawed enough to refurb or even kill, is a stressful event rife with all sorts of soul searching, introspective questioning, and a hell of a lot of buzzfeed quizzes. Here are the fruits of my labor.

Marry – Gonzo

Gonzo is insane. Like, clinically insane. His idea of a fun time is finding the most bizarre, dangerous, and potentially painful experiences and asking himself, “Can I do this while reciting Shakespeare?”

So I’m pretty sure he’s my soulmate.

Gonzo loves life. Every weird nook and cranny of it. He seeks the bizarre and untried experiences of the world. Like shoving starfish down his pants. Or getting a bunch of renegade balloons and flying around the countryside.

He has a thirst for adventure and drive for pure adrenaline. More than that, he’s true to himself in every way possible. He lets his freak flag fly without even a second thought about it. Plus, he sings my favorite song of all time. Seriously, if you want to see me fall apart into a fit of feels, just play this song.

[Big Bro’s note: I’m gonna need a moment.]

Refurb – Fozzie and Miss Piggy

Don’t get me wrong, I love these characters. With all my heart. But ever since Frank Oz left, their voices have been weird. I know, actors leave, voices change, blah blah blah. But I don’t like it, I don’t like it, I do not like it!

[Big Bro’s note: I do not like green eggs and ham. Ah? Aaahh?]

So either bring back Frank Oz (don’t care if he’s old and deserves retirement, my needs are more important), or get someone who can replicate his voices more accurately.

Side Note: A few more girl muppets might be nice. So we have, y’know, more than one? Who isn’t just a temperamental, superficial diva? Not that I have a problem with Miss Piggy. I just think the Muppet movies don’t all need to be giant sausage fests.

Kill – Jim Henson’s Doctors

Yeah. I’m cheating. But did you expect anything else from me? I thought we’d evolved past that point in our relationship. And I refuse to kill a muppet. It just seems a crime against nature. Like killing a puppy. Or Neil Patrick Harris.

I can, however, kill a human!

Please don’t send the men with butterfly nets after me….again. Just hear me out. There is method to my madness.

I’m killing the human responsible for depriving us of more Muppet gloriousness.

Okay, it probably wasn’t the doctor’s fault. From what I hear, by the time Jim went to the doctor his illness had already progressed too far. Seriously, any creative genius should be bubble wrapped and have a weekly check up, just so they don’t get sick right before they can finish creating something brilliant.

Because, according to Jim Hill’s podcast on Disney’s Muppets attractions, Jim Henson was on the verge of some amazing park attractions featuring our beloved furry friends. Streets of America? Was gonna be completely Muppet themed. Mama Melrose? Was going to be a Muppet themed restaurant with smoke coming out of the kitchen doors, audio of Gonzo crawling through the pipes (you can still see those pipes in the existing restaurant today), and video of the Swedish Chef messing up the order you’re about to eat. Best of all, there was going to be a Great Muppet Movie Ride, which was a parody of the regular Great Movie Ride. Yeah. They were actually going to build a ride that was, in its entirety, a parody of another ride in the park. Don’t believe me? Check out the concept art.

Muppets present Frankenstein

Muppets version of Peter Pan

So I want to find whoever is responsible for depriving me, I mean the fans, of these fantastic attractions, and make him look like…

 

Check out the other Kill/Marry/Refurbs from these other fantastic blogs!

  • I’ll admit to not being much of a Jim Hill fan (too much speculation?) and after reading this, I do believe you should check out the Jim Henson bio. 🙂 Jim was so involved in his work that he ignored his own needs so much (hi his marriage) so this was such a disruptive end to what would have been more brilliance for sure. I do love all of those Muppet concepts and I learned about them the first time on a website called The Neverland Files. Have you visited?

    I think Piggy is sounding better these days, and the voices were really good in Muppets Most Wanted. (Not a spoiler!) Especially the singing voices. Brian Jacobson has been doing the voices since before Oz officially retired… I wonder sometimes if the bond that Jim and Frank oz affects the characters and how they sound. Does that make sense? When they original crew was pieced together, they were pals. They were their characters. I feel like luck like that doesn’t strike twice. I do hope you’ll see a change in the new movie though. (Even Kermit though… when you really stop and compare, he doesn’t sound the same either and there’s just nothing to do about that. Sigh. But I still like him.)

    • LeahIsMagical

      I’ve read a few things on the Neverland Files but it sounds like I need to check out more… I also do plan on reading his new bio. I’ve heard good things. Happy to hear the voices are better! Fozzie in The Muppets, especially, was painful to me. Kermit’s voice changes, for some reason, never bothered me. Maybe because I grew up hearing Whitmire and Henson at the same time? I don’t know, I’m a strange person. But I’m just so excited that the Muppets are properly back that I shouldn’t complain 🙂

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