There’s a new Muppets movie coming out this weekend.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I have an intense love for these little guys. They rock in every way imaginable. They’re goofy, they’re witty, they’re adorable, and they were cracking meta jokes before they were cool. They’re kinda the bomb dot com.
[Big Bro’s note: Preaching to the choir.]
So choosing just one to marry, and admitting that there are two of them flawed enough to refurb or even kill, is a stressful event rife with all sorts of soul searching, introspective questioning, and a hell of a lot of buzzfeed quizzes. Here are the fruits of my labor.
Marry – Gonzo
Gonzo is insane. Like, clinically insane. His idea of a fun time is finding the most bizarre, dangerous, and potentially painful experiences and asking himself, “Can I do this while reciting Shakespeare?”
So I’m pretty sure he’s my soulmate.
Gonzo loves life. Every weird nook and cranny of it. He seeks the bizarre and untried experiences of the world. Like shoving starfish down his pants. Or getting a bunch of renegade balloons and flying around the countryside.
He has a thirst for adventure and drive for pure adrenaline. More than that, he’s true to himself in every way possible. He lets his freak flag fly without even a second thought about it. Plus, he sings my favorite song of all time. Seriously, if you want to see me fall apart into a fit of feels, just play this song.
[Big Bro’s note: I’m gonna need a moment.]
Refurb – Fozzie and Miss Piggy
Don’t get me wrong, I love these characters. With all my heart. But ever since Frank Oz left, their voices have been weird. I know, actors leave, voices change, blah blah blah. But I don’t like it, I don’t like it, I do not like it!
[Big Bro’s note: I do not like green eggs and ham. Ah? Aaahh?]
So either bring back Frank Oz (don’t care if he’s old and deserves retirement, my needs are more important), or get someone who can replicate his voices more accurately.
Side Note: A few more girl muppets might be nice. So we have, y’know, more than one? Who isn’t just a temperamental, superficial diva? Not that I have a problem with Miss Piggy. I just think the Muppet movies don’t all need to be giant sausage fests.
Kill – Jim Henson’s Doctors
Yeah. I’m cheating. But did you expect anything else from me? I thought we’d evolved past that point in our relationship. And I refuse to kill a muppet. It just seems a crime against nature. Like killing a puppy. Or Neil Patrick Harris.
I can, however, kill a human!
Please don’t send the men with butterfly nets after me….again. Just hear me out. There is method to my madness.
I’m killing the human responsible for depriving us of more Muppet gloriousness.
Okay, it probably wasn’t the doctor’s fault. From what I hear, by the time Jim went to the doctor his illness had already progressed too far. Seriously, any creative genius should be bubble wrapped and have a weekly check up, just so they don’t get sick right before they can finish creating something brilliant.
Because, according to Jim Hill’s podcast on Disney’s Muppets attractions, Jim Henson was on the verge of some amazing park attractions featuring our beloved furry friends. Streets of America? Was gonna be completely Muppet themed. Mama Melrose? Was going to be a Muppet themed restaurant with smoke coming out of the kitchen doors, audio of Gonzo crawling through the pipes (you can still see those pipes in the existing restaurant today), and video of the Swedish Chef messing up the order you’re about to eat. Best of all, there was going to be a Great Muppet Movie Ride, which was a parody of the regular Great Movie Ride. Yeah. They were actually going to build a ride that was, in its entirety, a parody of another ride in the park. Don’t believe me? Check out the concept art.
So I want to find whoever is responsible for depriving me, I mean the fans, of these fantastic attractions, and make him look like…
Check out the other Kill/Marry/Refurbs from these other fantastic blogs!