Our friends over at Mouse at the Mind and This Happy Place Blog have devised a delightful little game for us Mouse Bloggers to play: Kill, Marry, Refurb. It’s like Kill, Marry, Boff, but with Disney stuff!
To be clear, no one is suggesting we boff any Disney characters. Well…I may have suggested that once…
Moving right along. Today we are discussing thrill rides! Here are my picks.
Kill– Mission: Space
I haven’t been on this ride in years. Honestly, once was enough. It seemed like the coolest idea: let’s see what it actually feels like to go into outer space!
Well, apparently an accurate replication of a rocket ship take-off is not a pleasant experience. It’s a barf bag waiting to happen. I can’t lift my hand right now and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my face. Are we having fun yet!?
I’m letting WALL-E crush this ride into a cube and stack it with the rest of the garbage.
Marry- Twilight Zone’s Tower of Terror
I actually already declared my love for this mother of all thrill rides before. It’s the trifecta of visual, physical, and psychological thrills. My heart is in my throat every time the white line of the fifth dimension opens and Rod Serling says, “You are about to discover what lies beyond the fifth dimension, beyond the deepest, darkest corner of your imagination. In the Tower of Terror.” It tingles me.
But then the elevator drops and your fear is replaced with a giddy adrenaline rush. Not to mention that this ride has some of the most impressive visual effects I’ve ever seen.
I’ll gladly walk down the aisle with a post-mortem Rod Serling and his murderous elevator ride.
Refurb– Splash Mountain
This is my absolute favorite ride in the world. But every year my family goes to Disney World in January. And every January, Splash Mountain is under refurbishment and the closest I can get to a zip-a-dee-doo-dah day is this:
I’ve asked cast members, “Why must you hurt me so? Why close my favorite ride every year? Why, Santy Clause, why?”
“Well, my dear,” they answered. “All the water has damaged the animatronics! And the water needs to be cleaned so you don’t get salmonella! So we’re taking it back to our workshop, you see. We’ll fix it back there, and we’ll bring it back here! …But that will be long after you’ve left so tough potatoes for you.”
Thusly, I propose we bring in NASA engineers who can construct the most indestructible, water resistant animatronics and some sort of self-cleaning water. I know it’s unrealistic, perhaps impossible, and I do worry about the robots getting too smart and taking over the world…but c’mon, Disney! Work your magic! I need my laughing place back!
Honorable Mention: Expedition Everest
I didn’t want to technically pick this one because it seemed the obvious choice, but it just bugs me enough that I have to mention it. It is beyond ridiculous that the yeti isn’t working. It’s a real shame that they’re letting a truly amazing piece of technology go to waste.
If any of you remember the Yeti when it was working, you know it was truly a remarkable sight to behold. I ducked my head every single time, sure that this monstrosity was going to snatch me out of my mine car.
Beyond that, the entire theming of the queue and buildup of the ride surrounds the reveal of this yeti. The incredibly detailed folk lore in the “museum exhibits,” the shadows, the busted train tracks, and the constant roars in the distance all add together to create a really cool story! It gets your adrenaline pumping on what would have been a pretty ordinary coaster ride. But when the climax of the ride is only a split-second strobe light reveal of his face…it’s a serious let down. It’s like if Tower of Terror led up to some mild shaking and a wink good-bye.
This ride was supposed to be Disney pushing the envelope in the technology of story-telling…and now they’ve just abandoned it? That doesn’t live up to the promise of “The Disney Difference.”
I don’t care how much money it costs, Disney. Slap a “GE” sticker on it and get it fixed.
What would you Kill, Mary, and Refurb?