PSA: The Most Dangerous Ride in Disney World

Reader, it’s time for another Public Service Announcement. I’d like to talk about the most dangerous ride at Walt Disney World. No, not Tower of Terror or even Mission: Space. I’m talking about the mind warping, soul catching glee-fest that is better known as It’s a Small World.

I hear you, reader. You think: okay, chill out dude. It’s a Small World might be boring, the butt of everyone’s jokes, and so sacharine it can actually induce diabetes…but dangerous?

Let me explain. First, It’s a Small World, though hated by most, has the paranormal ability to make you ride anyway. Inevitably, as you meander your way on and off the other jewels of attractions that reside in Fantasyland, someone in your party will say, “Let’s go on It’s a Small World!

“Come on, there’s no wait. You really wanna wait 70 minutes for Peter Pan?”

“It’s a classic, we have to go on it!”

“Walt himself designed it, it was at the World’s Fair!”

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad.”

“The dolls…they’re calling to me…someone help me!”

And if no one else says one of these phrases, somehow by the spell of these Children of the Corn-dolls, you hear yourself saying it. The other people in the party may groan, object, pelt you with frozen bananas…but to no avail. One way or another, this ride bewitches you into boarding the “happiest cruise that ever sailed the seven seas” in full knowledge of the torture you are about to endure.

And here’s where the dangerous part of this ride comes in. I’m convinced that the whole time you’re on the ride, they’re actually trying to hypnotize you. Think about it. Before you even get on this ride there’s a giant clock smiling at you and waving back and forth in a rhythmic motion…if that doesn’t say “you are getting very sleepy,” I don’t know what does.

Then there’s the dolls…with their big black eyes and strangely unexpressive smiles. They look soulless, kinda like the cybermen from Doctor Who. You think their eyes make that clicking noise when they blink because of their primitive hydraulic system? No, that’s just part of their plan to put you into a dull trance where you’ll be susceptible to capture and conversion into one of their kind. If you listen closely between the eye clicks you can hear them whisper, “Join us. Join us.” Don’t blink.

And then there’s the song. Oh, the song. Do I even need to spell this one out? It’s infamous for getting stuck in your head and never, ever leaving. The song itself is composed as a round, and it sure feels circular as it swirls around your head with the lull of the motor in the boat underneath you and the sloshing of the water and the eye clicks and the rhythmic, back-and-forth motion of the dolls’ and set pieces’ movements….I think I’ll just sleep now…hey why’s my body now made of plastic!?

Have you ever been on the one in Disneyland? Don’t. It never, ever, ever ends. Just when you think you’re done…another rooms appears. And then another room. It’s like they’re trying to beat you into submission until you completely surrender your will and hand over your weak mortal shell for the more sustainable and wholesome Disney model.

These things make me more nervous than if a post mortem Rod Serling had narrated the pre-show.

So as you exit Peter Pan and that one foolish mortal in your group says those deadly words, “Let’s go on It’s a Small World!” You know what to do. Shove him in a boat by himself, and make the sacrifice for the group. The damage has already been done; he has been taken.  Even if he hasn’t been taken, he’ll still sing the song for the rest of the day and it will be really annoying. So save yourselves, ride the Haunted Mansion a few times to counter act any potential damage done by proximity, and have a magical day!

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