The Magical World of Jack Sparrow

Oh, Jack. Remember when you were cool? When you first appeared on the silver screen with your spastic hands and your strangely sexy guyliner?  Critics loved you, little boys idolized you, tween girls salivated over you…but Disney just couldn’t keep their hands off of you, could they?

Now look at you. It’s pathetic. Plastering your face all over Mickey’s park, taking over attractions, making sequel after unwanted sequel…It’s coming off as a little needy. You need to get yourself a girl, mate.

Remember the original “Pirates” ride? You know, the very last one Walt designed? State of the art animatronics in an iconic classic that lives in the hearts and minds of all Disney Dorks such as myself? Well, Jack, you’ve taken over! One animatronic in the treasure room is a nice lil’ homage, but you show up everywhere! Behind ladies dresses, in a barrel! Your name echoes throughout the cavernous walls! Not to mention your sideshow Pirate tutorial…

Look, I love ya, Jack. I really do. And I love the first “Pirates” movie. And I get that Disney is desperately trying to appeal to younger boys, and pirates are their favorite counter point for fairy tale princess lands. B-but…it’s gotten to be a lil’ much.

So you have to undertand why I’m not too thrilled about your upcoming attraction in Disney’s Studios, “The Legend of Jack Sparrow.” Not that I’m sad to see the Narnia “attraction” go, and for all I know this could be a wonderful and inventive attraction. But I just can’t get excited about the further Jack Sparrowfication of Disney World.

You know what I would love for Disney to do with that building? Go back to what Disney Studios used to be all about: showing a glorified behind-the-scenes look at the glamorous Hollywood that never was. Like Indiana Jones and the Backlot Tour. Sure, they’re a little outdated, but isn’t that general idea what the spirit of Disney Studios was all about?

So, please, Jack, step aside. And let the Imagineers do what they do best: create something new. Otherwise, we’re just stuck looking at another sinking ship.


On my most recent trip I waited in a themeless thirty minute queue for this attraction and…yeah it’s pretty lame. It got one legitimate laugh at me, and the illusion that Johnny Depp is actually standing on the ship is kinda cool, but the rest is dull and poorly executed. You can’t even see half the effects if you’re standing on the right side of the room. Come on, Disney, you’re better than this.